The world as we know it is in chaos. The UK has voted to leave the European Union, destroying its economy (and sending an earthquake through its two biggest political parties) as well as having a far-from-positive effect on the global market as a whole. The size of the racism problem in the UK has once again reared its ugly head as a result and, in a not entirely unrelated piece of news, the possibility of “President Trump” in the USA grows more terrifyingly possible with each passing day. A chatbot which successfully contests 64% of parking tickets that it takes on is a thing that exists in the real world. The human race continues to destroy the planet which sustains it on a daily basis.
And yet none of this is as confusing or unpredictable as the fact that Tetris is getting a movie adaptation.
We’ll never quite come to terms with that, not even when the film is finally out. Or, rather, when the first film is finally out. Empire has proven that the prospect of a Tetris movie really can get even more bizarre, by reporting that producer Larry Kasanoff has revealed that the movie adaptation will be a trilogy. That, of course, is because it will be “a big science-fiction movie”. Kasanoff was quoted as saying that “No-one has come remotely close to figuring out what we’re doing”. Including, we presume, the people trying to turn Tetris into a movie.
But! Behold! As a world exclusive, we bring you the script for the opening two minutes of the first film. Enjoy.
Black screen. The Tetris theme plays at 1/3 speed. Full orchestra [can we get John Williams in on this?].
Fade in to:
Monolithic letters, spaced apart, stand alone on a gloomy mountainside. They are ‘ E RIS’. With a thunderous boom, two ‘T’ shaped Tetris blocks fall from the sky to complete the word. ‘TETRIS’.
Fade in subtitle: THE BLOCKENING
Int. house, kitchen. Super-futuristic. Large kitchen, big enough for a dining table. A fruit bowl, containing bananas, sits on the table. A ROBOT BUTLER stands by the fridge. Everything is chrome, including the bananas.
Tetris theme fades out.
A man and a woman enter the kitchen from left of screen. The man, BRAD POWERHOUSE, is dressed in a formal chrome-plated suit. Lasers occasionally shoot out of his cufflinks., Also he is a cyborg. The woman, KARINA BLIZZBLART, is dressed in a skin-tight lycra onesie because we’re going to need to sell a lot of tickets just to break even. BRAD POWERHOUSE walks over to the kitchen window.
Cut to: BRAD POWERHOUSE’s viewpoint.
Outside, gigantic blocks of various shapes fall from the sky. Slowly at first, then faster and faster as time passes. The neighbourhood suffers little damage, as everything is plated with super tough sci-fi chrome.
Cut to: Int. House, kitchen.
BRAD POWERHOUSE: It’s raining again, dear.
KARINA BLIZZBLART: At least it’ll keep the dinosaurs away.
ROBOT BUTLER: I think I am developing emotions, blurring the line between man and machine. Look, I have drawn a beautiful picture of a small bird.
ROBOT BUTLER produces the picture, shows it to his masters, then puts it back in his robot pocket.
ROBOT BUTLER: Also I want to have a baby. What is this emotion you humans call ‘love’?
The doorbell [first seven notes of the chorus to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ by Rick Astley if the permissions come through] rings. Before his masters can answer, ROBOT BUTLER obediently goes to answer the door.
Cut to: Int. house, hallway. ROBOT BUTLER approaches the door and opens it. A chrome-uniformed postman stands at the door, holding a large box. He hands the box to ROBOT BUTLER. Then the postman explodes.
BRAD POWERHOUSE: (off-screen) That’s the third time this week! You don’t suppose –
ROBOT BUTLER: That he was Australian, sir?
BRAD POWERHOUSE: Exactly.
KARINA BLIZZBLART: (off-screen) Does that mean that… it’s time?
Cut to: Int. house, kitchen. BRAD POWERHOUSE and KARINA BLIZZBLART are facing each other with sombre looks on their faces.
BRAD POWERHOUSE: Yes.
KARINA BLIZZBLART: I’ll get the dog.
BRAD POWERHOUSE: Thank you. And… darling?
KARINA BLIZZBLART: Yes?
BRAD POWERHOUSE: Don’t forget his jetpack.
Cut to: black screen. Tetris theme fades back in. Introductory credits roll.