Splatfests we need to see

I was basically in love with the original Splatoon (R.I.P. Wii U), and the sequel has earned every last one of its phenomenal sales. The regular Splatfests – where players can pick one of two sides, then battle it out online in a meta game to determine a winner – are now established as a series tradition. Past choices have seen players compete in ice cream vs cake, South Pole vs North Pole, cats vs dogs, pirates vs ninjas, and much more. While the pirates vs ninjas one was clearly an important digital debate, I’d like to see Nintendo offer some more weighty issues. For example…

LEAVE VS REMAIN

At the moment, it looks like Brexit is happening whether we like it or not (hint: things are going very badly already). The idea of a second referendum is floated now and again, but it’s very unlikely; especially as Labour, the UK’s main opposition party, seems to have again begun to forget what the word “opposition” means. So let’s have a legally-binding Splatfest! You may argue that this would be a terrible idea, because of all the children and non-UK residents who would be allowed to take part. You may argue that this means many, if not most, people who pick a side will have little to no understanding of the issue and the gravity of the potential consequences. Well… I’m going to let the rest of this paragraph write itself in your head.

MOTION CONTROLS VS NO MOTION CONTROLS

One of the many things that the first two Splatoon games have in common is that they both force the player to use motion controls in the tutorial. This suggests that Nintendo believes this to be the “correct” Splatoon control system. You can turn motion controls off after the tutorial, but why should we have to wait? I always invert the Y axis for sticks on non-Nintendo consoles, which I know will make some of you spit in disgust. When it comes to waving an entire console around during play, though, surely I’m in a more comfortable majority? Let’s have an entirely appropriate Splatfest so Nintendo can see.

SOBER KEBAB VS DRUNK KEBAB

It came as a shock to me – a shock, I say – when I first heard as a naïve young teenager that, for a great many people, kebabs are considered something that they would and could only eat while drunk. Heresy! A doner kebab is the greasy pitta-cupped food of the gods. No kebab is truly complete without chilli sauce. It’s possible to consume one without and, hey, if that’s the direction you choose to take with your life, I’m not going to judge. Especially if your chosen replacement is garlic mayo. Anyway, this is an issue that needs settling once and for all, and Splatoon is the perfect forum in which to do it.

NINJA TURTLES VS SAMURAI PIZZA CATS

First of all, this could totally happen. We’ve seen licensed Splatfests before, such as the Autobots vs Decepticons one (gutted I missed out on playing for team Decepticon). Second of all, shut up. Of course Ninja Turtles are clearly the ones who deserve to win here, but I think we need a good idea of just how many degenerates are out there in the Splatoon community (LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO DO LITERALLY NOTHING IN A MATCH AND COST THEIR TEAM THE GAME – ahem). Believe it or not, some people would choose Samurai Pizza Cats over Ninja Turtles. Because some people just want to watch the world burn.

KRAMER VS KRAMER

Kramer vs Kramer is a cheery tale, starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep, of a divorced couple engaging in a brutal custody battle, with their young son caught in the middle. Sorry, did I say cheery? I meant traumatic. Erm, moving on…

ELVES VS ELVIS

Both elves and Elvis are known for their music and their distinctive hair. But which is better? Elvis has the advantage of having actually existed, while elves can do magic and stuff. Elvis sent shockwaves through music across the entire planet, while elves sent shockwaves through literature across the entire planet. It’s a tough call, so let’s have that Splatfest. The winner could be a playable character. Y’know, the more I think about it, the more I hope it happens and that Elvis wins. We need soundbites! As he flies through the air to a teammate, it would be “Ahhuh-huh”. Instead of “Ouch” and “Booya”, it would be “Oh momma” and “Thanyouverramuch”. We need this to happen.

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Written by Luke K

He plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He's the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value. He doesn't have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

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