(Probably) imaginary David Cage sequels

With evidence of David Cage incorporating domestic abuse into the game with predictable care and sensitivity, we’re all looking forward to Detroit: Become Human more than ever. The only criticism that anybody could have of his games, surely, is that there aren’t enough of them! Fortunately, we can present to you a world-exclusive look at some sequels in the works which we totally did not make up. Don’t expect anything about a new Omikron; Cage had to share the creative limelight with that one, and to make matters worse, everybody kept talking about some bloke called David Bowie.

Celsius (AKA Teal Prophecy)

The game opens with Lucas waking up to find that the events of the previous game were all a dream. This is a clever way of Cage providing himself with a clean slate for this sequel. The first chapter of the game, it is said, will revolve around Lucas’s job (collecting shopping trolleys in a supermarket car park, expressed through a first-person fusion of the racing and puzzle genres).

The second chapter will open with a 35 minute shower scene in the name of art (not Lucas, but his girlfriend). There will then be several interactive sex scenes of 25 minutes each, then Lucas has a hallucination about a demon or something, Cage isn’t quite sure yet.

Further details are scarce which, we are assured, is to avoid spoilers; and is in no way indicative of a desire to prioritise shower and sex scenes above all other content. However, it seems that teal will play an important part in story and gameplay alike. Objects that you can interact with will be highlighted in teal as you approach, and the antagonist is currently known only as “The Teal Avenger”.

Really, Really Heavy Rain

The game opens with Ethan waking up to find that the events of the previous game were all a dream. This is a clever way of Cage providing himself with a clean slate for this sequel. In a meta and extremely intelligent callback to the original game, there is a recurring QTE where you press X to Jason, Square to Phillip, Circle to Terence, and Triangle to Jonathan.

The game world is an unnamed American city suffering perpetual really, really heavy rain (like the name of the game). It is your job, as Ethan, to discover why. Maybe the city is all in his imagination or something! Wouldn’t that be a crazy yet impressively intelligent twist?!?

Primarily a dialogue-driven game, common conversation openers are “Looks miserable out there, doesn’t it?”, “Will this rain ever end?”, “Oh look, it’s raining again”, and “I wish it would stop raining”. It’s not entirely dialogue-driven of course. Due to the inevitable damp clothes and time spent inside, there will be plenty of interactive shower scenes and sex scenes. “If you think all the nudity and sex is for any reason other than art, you are a stupid loser who doesn’t understand art”, Cage says.

Beyond: Three Souls

The game opens with Jodie waking up to find that the events of the previous game were all a dream. This is a clever way of Cage providing himself with a clean slate for this sequel. In reality, Jodie works in the sewers, providing many entirely necessary (and extremely lengthy) interactive shower scenes.

Aiden is real but, rather than being an extra soul inhabiting Jodie’s body, he is in fact a spaniel. The poop-scooping minigame will provide light relief from the dark storyline, which concerns a serial killer who murders three people for every 30 minutes that pass without Jodie having a shower.

It’s up to you to identify and catch the killer (between all the showers) but, in lieu of the supernatural powers from the first game, you have only a magnifying glass, a copy of the local phone book, and a sock full of gravel. You’ll need to use your wits to survive in the sequel to what is surely David Cage’s best game so far!

Detroit: Became Human

The game opens with Kara waking up to find that the events of the previous game were all a dream. This is a clever way of Cage providing himself with a clean slate for this sequel. Rather than an android, she is in fact a human being. Kara immediately celebrates her humanity with a refreshing shower, before having sex with her boyfriend, and then another shower.

Kara soon realises that her dream of life as an android was a manifestation of her doubts and fears emanating from a persistent feeling of disconnect from the rest of humanity. While thinking about this in the shower, she decides that the best way to establish a meaningful relationship with society is to uncover A Sinister Conspiracy.

Details of the conspiracy are TBC, which we are assured is to avoid spoilers rather than being an indication of haphazard, showercentric story writing. However, it seems that we can look forward to “A secretive government agency, or a secret society, or maybe a forgotten religion or something”.

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Written by Luke K

Luke plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He's the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value. Chances are, if you pick up a copy of the latest Official PlayStation Magazine or GamesMaster, you'll find something he's written in there. Luke doesn't have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

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