Alternate universe white Jesus gets new videogame

With his superpowers and thirst for justice, Jesus Christ was the first Avenger. Why it’s taken this long for a game that truly recognises this to appear is anyone’s guess; but at last, you can put down the action figures, and live out your Jesus fantasies in videogame form in the upcoming I Am Jesus Christ.

At first, we weren’t sure whether this game was playing things straight or not, and looking at the Steam page doesn’t help much; the description is slightly awkwardly translated from another language. A quick look at publisher PlayWay’s page, however, reveals a history that includes plenty of straightfaced simulations.

Indeed, I Am Jesus Christ is described as a “highly realistic simulation game”. This claim immediately crumbles upon inspection of the suspiciously Caucasian messiah, but hey, anything claiming to present a realistic portrayal of the son of the Christian god is on shaky ground. The Steam page description is brief, but well worth a read, and not only because it describes Jesus as “one of the most privileged and powerful people in the world”. One of the most powerful people?? He performed literal miracles! One of the most privileged? He’s the son of the lord of all creation! How much more privileged could you possibly get?!?

The game will allow you to play out miracles from the Bible, and – if we’re interpreting one of the screenshots and one of the lines correctly – an actual fight with Satan (which isn’t something that ever happens in the Bible). Much to our amusement, one of your abilities will be to make fish appear out of thin air a la feeding the five thousand, which we really, really hope we can make use of when fighting Lucifer.

Unlockable playable boss character?

The date for the ability to purchase and play I Am Jesus Christ, much like the date for the return of Jesus himself, is currently nothing more specific than “Coming Soon”.

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Written by Luke K

Luke plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He's the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value. Chances are, if you pick up a copy of the latest Official PlayStation Magazine or GamesMaster, you'll find something he's written in there. Luke doesn't have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

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