A criticism often aimed at videogames is that they’re childish. This description is a ball of contempt flung at the industry as a whole by those who know little of it, and understand even less. It’s also a common criticism within certain areas of the videogames fanbase, with some games – Super Mario titles, for example – often dismissed with a sneer and an assertion that they are ‘for kids’. Rather than attack this attitude as unfair and inaccurate, I want to approach the issue from another angle entirely. I intend to argue that the rapidly beating heart of every videogame experience you’ve ever enjoyed is childhood.

Does life get you down? If it never does then, to be honest, you’re sleepwalking through the world. When the blinkers of youth are lifted and you’re forced to grip the reality of life with both hands, all of a sudden there’s an awful lot to get depressed about. Your day to day life becomes a microcosm of the world at large, whether you realise it or not; uplifting victories sit side by side with crushing disappointments. Injustices are seen on a regular basis, and often you’re powerless to do anything about them. When you’re not powerless, you look away. You curse yourself for doing so, then do exactly the same thing at the next available opportunity.

Anger at world events stems from reflections you see in your own experiences. You work a job you hate – if you can find one at all – for money that never lasts. Those above you do less and earn more, and show nothing but contempt for you and your friends. So then you switch on the TV, and see the people whose callous actions left the world’s economy in ruins awarded six figure bonuses for another year. Meanwhile, people who sit in peaceful protest at this injustice are arrested and beaten by the police force who, moments before, checked one last time that there are no TV cameras to be seen.

As a young child you know nothing of this; could never even imagine it. A policeman is to be trusted, and that is the beginning and the end of it. Every day there is something new to learn, and there is always time to play. Life is full of mysteries too beautiful to be solved, and so your imagination fills in the gaps with creative wonder. You believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy because your parents tell you they exist, and so it must be so; besides, there is no other possible explanation for the wonderful gifts given to you during the secret night.

The world is full of good guys and bad guys, with no inbetween. Your entire life is lived in an impenetrable armour of safety, security, and no consideration for the future. You love the grown-ups who look after you unconditionally, and so you seek their praise and approval on a daily basis. You draw; you read; you learn; you invite them to join in your games. One of the final words to learn on the road to adulthood is ‘responsibility’.

The point is, we all lose something happy and powerful when we realise we are no longer children. This transition is necessary to survive in the world however, and brings with it many positives. With our childhood behind us, we are gifted with the capacity for wisdom and a greater understanding and appreciation of love. Realisations of reluctant complicity and injustice can be worrying and saddening, but they can also spur us on to try to change the world for the better, no matter how small a change that may be. This matured intelligence is necessary to fully enjoy and appreciate most games on your shelf or hard drive, but even more important is the memory of childhood which glows with energy at the core of every single one of them.

It takes only a cursory glance at several genres and themes to see how a childlike mindset – during both development and play – is present. On the most basic of levels, many videogames recreate make-believe play or innocently determined declarations of ‘When I grow up…’. Driving fast cars, fighting aliens, playing soldiers, wandering a magical fantasy world, playing in a world-famous sports team, singing songs into a microphone… need I go on? Then there is also the customisation aspect that more and more games feature nowadays, which certainly has its roots in dressing yourself and your toys in a variety of costumes. For longer than you have perhaps realised, you want to stamp your mark on what you own, what you make, and the ‘you’ that people see – and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.

Gleefully holding a picture up to your parents for approval as a child is indicative of a wider desire to garner praise in general, for acknowledgement for your efforts. This is a desire that never leaves us and, later in life, leans towards a need to be praised above all others. This, I think, is what is behind the phenomenal success of the Xbox 360′s Achievements and, later, PS3 trophies.

To a large extent, this is analogous to the classroom. A large number of people have been set the same task, which they then do their best to accomplish. Upon completion they are rewarded with something to prove their success; a sticker or certificate… or trophy or achievement. Many of these trophies and achievements require great skill and/or many hours to earn, meaning that the majority of players will never receive them. These are the ones that, for many, are the most sought after. For similar reasons, being near the top of the scoreboard in online matches is never enough for many people. They want – need – to be at the top, showing that they are above everybody else.

It may seem hard to reconcile the idea of games relying on childhood experiences with the success of certain titles, specifically horror games. Even ignoring the fact that many games which bloom from childrens’ imaginations feature monsters and peril of various kinds, however, there is good reason to claim that the horror genre connects with what we enjoyed as children as much as any other.

In my opinion, Roald Dahl was possibly the greatest children’s author who ever lived. The man who gave the world Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Twits, Matilda, James and the Giant Peach, and much more (including some powerful stories for adults) had his books so loved by so many children for several reasons. He was of course an incredibly gifted writer, but it was what he did with this skill that gave his stories their magic. He spoke to children as a child, seeing the world through young eyes in a way that virtually none of us can as adults. He knew exactly what children wanted in their stories. He gave them wonder, magic, heroism – and horror.

Dahl wasn’t afraid to remind children in his books, on a regular basis, that not all adults are to be trusted; that some adults are in fact downright nasty. In his world grown-ups, while sometimes protectors and heroes, are at other times villains and monsters. His most famous tales are an explosive fusion of wonderment and horror, a sense of menace always ready to leap from behind a mask of laughter. Similarly, though for a progressively older audience, look at J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter stories. Immensely successful, and populated with complicated – and often dangerous – characters and situations. Rowling and Dahl are both responsible, ultimately, for children’s horror. Just look at how the world’s children reacted.

Roald Dahl, whose very life makes for fascinating reading.

It is said (though less often nowadays) that there is something called ‘Nintendo Magic’ which powers the best of that company’s games, a certain ineffable something which makes certain titles unique in a truly captivating way. I think I’ve finally cracked it; that ‘Nintendo Magic’ is understanding what it’s like to be a child, and pumping a videogame full of it in its purest form. Therefore Super Mario games are bright and colourful, with a mostly cheery soundtrack, and simple controls. Yes this appeals to children, and yes it is certainly intentional. That’s not what makes a Super Mario title childlike, though; not entirely.

Character and level designs have always been similarly bold and simple, deceptively so. The introduction of 3D graphics allowed Mario games to become what they had always tried to be with Super Mario 64, and even more so with the Galaxy games. Start a new level, and adjusting the camera slightly will afford you a view of a huge chunk of the landscape. Seeing a level for the first time is exciting. You see new enemies, blocks that hold who knows what, strange buildings or land formations in the distance. You feel like… like a child in their very own toy shop, the frustrating rules of time and space stopping him or her from trying everything all at once. Similar feelings of wonder and a desire to explore are present in the 3D Zelda games, combined with a knowledge that there is a wealth of incidental content in there – and you want to find it all.

This is not to say that Mario, Zelda, or any other Nintendo game is by default ‘better’ than all other games. In terms of games design, in titles such as these, Nintendo wears its heart on its sleeve. There is no shame in the childlike wonder of bright, engrossing games; no desire to dress up the fun and wonder in ‘mature’ greys and browns. It’s an attitude that, outside of Nintendo, is nowadays usually reserved for indie developers. So if you are wont to laugh and jeer at games such as these, think twice before you do. Think long and hard about just how far removed these games are from your ‘proper’ games. After all, if you didn’t enjoy being a child again from time to time, you wouldn’t play anything at all.

It’s nearly Christmas. Again. The bad news is that this means you’re even poorer than usual by now, and you’ll soon have to pretend to be much more interested in what distant relatives have to say than you actually are. The good news, however, is that it’s once again time to find out what Critical Gamer’s favourite games of the year are! Also: presents.

It’s been another great year for games, though this time around almost all of the best ones have been sequels; something reflected by our choices (whether we like it or not). It was extremely close when it came to deciding which game we thought trumped all the others. Eventually however, we decided to declare that Critical Gamer’s Game of the Year 2011 (despite the notorious bugs) is:

Skyrim

Stephen K says: I knew Bethesda would have something incredible in store with Skyrim, but I was unprepared for its tidal wave of sheer excitement that swept across communities the world over. It captured the imagination of nearly everyone who glanced its way, and I could go on and on about Skyrim’s visuals, scope, and expansive wealth of content. But what really amazes me is how Bethesda finally made the promise of the Elder Scrolls series a reality. When I was back in Morrowind’s icy island of Solstheim, staring into that foggy draw distance, my imagination took over. Sparse evergreens appeared as towering forests, glitchy swipes of my sword became dramatic strokes of battle, mindless NPCs were rugged inhabitants with lives to live. And in Skyrim, all of that was true. It was adventure that welcomes everyone, retaining depth and subtlety while fixing the broken parts. Experienced travellers could rediscover Tamriel’s vast beauty once again, and newcomers had the chance to experience for themselves what it is we’ve been pretending to see all this time.

There were so many top quality games released this year however, that we’d feel ever so guilty if we didn’t talk about some more of them. Therefore we now present to you, in no particular order, nine ‘honourable mentions’ plucked from the 2011 release schedule; some personal favourites of the cheeky chappies at CG, each of which we award with a virtual medal thus:

Uncharted 3

Matt says: Uncharted 3 is another compelling entry in a series that remains the best reason to own a PlayStation 3. The outstanding competitive multiplayer returns with an array of customisable options and bonuses, and there is also a standalone co-op campaign for those who yearn for narrative drive in their multiplayer.

As good as the competitive and co-operative multiplayer is, it’s the singleplayer that steals the show with its stunning visuals, impeccable pacing and memorable set pieces. A tightly scripted adventure that boasts witty dialogue and likeable characters, it is packed full of small, human touches that bring characters and situations to life. Such moments allow Uncharted 3 to be more than just another action game, as it thrives during the quiet moments between huge firefights and narrow escapes from sinking ships. When it comes to standing out from the crowd, it’s all in the details, and developer Naughty Dog have proven once again that they understand this as well as anyone else in the business.

Arkham City

Ian says: Following on from such a huge critical success was always going to be hard going and yet with Batman: Arkham City Rocksteady achieved this. The second outing for the Dark Knight in recent years had the same high level of visual polish and quality voice work its predecessor Arkham Asylum had, but added so much more. It didn’t fall into some of the common sequel trappings and those they did mattered little when compared to the larger explorable world, excellently tweaked gameplay, and engaging plot; which culminated in one of the most memorable endings to a game in recent years.

Portal 2

Anthony says: Following on from Valve’s masterpiece, Portal 2 took the concept demo-like experience of the original and stretched it into a proper length game. It took everything that made the original Portal great, and did it better and bigger. Larger environments, sharp humour, more diverse puzzles and a Bristolian robot; it had everything. The space-hole spewing gameplay remained largely unchanged, but the introduction of environment morphing gels opened up huge possibilities in and out of test chambers. Even the marketing that preceded the game was excellent, with funny Aperture Science investment videos and a scarily complex alternate reality game that sucked us deeper into to the crazy Portal universe. Portal 2 also introduced a brilliant co-op mode featuring two mute robots that still managed to buzz with as much personality as Nathan Drake or Commander Shepard. The chaotic and often hilarious results of four active portals really made the specially designed test chambers a joy to prance around. It’s also incredibly funny to drop your mate through a portal into spiky doom, only for him to reappear and do it to you, with death carrying no consequence other than a minor restart and a round of giggles.

LittleBigPlanet 2

Luke says: Like Portal 2, LittleBigPlanet 2 achieved what had previously seemed impossible; it made the prequel look unambitious. Again, there is a brief story mode which can be enjoyed online or offline by 1-4 players simultaneously, and this time round it’s even easier. The heart of this game is the level creation tool however, which is now more powerful than ever. The LittleBigPlanet community has created and shared platform levels, puzzle games, homages to classic titles, machinima, racing games, and much more… all for free. It’s like an almost limitless number of games in one, making it an essential purchase.

Battlefield 3

Kevin says: Battlefield: Bad Company 2 was our favourite multiplayer shooter from last year, and DICE have followed it up with a tour de force experience in Battlefield 3. With the addition of fighter jets to the vehicle roster, and large open maps that are packed with destructible scenery, they have tweaked the multiplayer to perfection. This is not your usual run and gun shooter, with teamwork rather than killstreaks being crucial to winning games. In fact even modest players can reach the top of the leaderboard, thanks to the balanced points system which rewards players with extra points for capturing flags, repairing vehicles, or even laying down suppressing fire. It’s this fair system of play that encourages players to work as a team, rather than sit in a hole racking up kills. There is a campaign mode that uses the Call of Duty template, and an enjoyable two-player Co-op mode, with six different missions to take on with a friend; but these are more of a snack, and the main meal is in the multiplayer – which is a Christmas dinner that will leave you feeling full long into the new year.

Super Mario 3D Land

Steven G says: This is a masterclass in traditional platform design with graphics as good as Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii, but with the gameplay of a traditional 2D Mario title. The difficulty level is perhaps just a little too low for seasoned gamers, but there is still much to be gained even for hardened players. There is beauty in the way these levels are designed and just playing through them brings a smile to one’s face. The 3D adds to the enjoyment of the game and actually assists you in some puzzles along the way. Despite being a little too easy to finish, collecting all the gold coins and stars will take some time.

Whilst you can swap levels and powerups with other users locally and online, there is no multiplayer option such as the two player mode in New Super Mario Brothers for the original DS. The game even lacks an online leaderboard for fastest level times and other ‘achievement’ based challenges. Nonetheless, if you have a 3DS this is a superb game you need to get; and if you don’t have a 3DS, you now have a reason to get one.

Bastion

Stephen K says: Bastion is like a beautiful melody or perhaps a really good story, the kind with meaning: you just can’t forget it and you certainly don’t want to. The brusque narrator was a game-changing method for telling stories, the music resounded with an offbeat magic, and its art was a surreal mix of muted tones and whimsical swirls. But in perfect harmony with this poetic vision was a hearty framework of gameplay, just like the old days. Whacking things with weapons and then upgrading said weapons for further whackage was a skill that took cunning to perfect, requiring quick wits and swift thumbs. The plot didn’t hinder the gameplay and vice versa; Bastion was created with both aspects in mind, and the result was something special. It’s flat out impressive to see such a small downloadable title (and an equally small team) stand shoulder-to-shoulder with this year’s colossal competition. Yes, I have a feeling Bastion will be remembered for a very long time.

de blob 2

Luke says: Almost certainly an unexpected entry here, and one that many would disagree with (including some Critical Gamer staff); but I’m the boss round here, so I stick my tongue out in mature defiance and declare de blob 2 to be one of the best games of 2011. Not only does it do something different, it does it very well indeed.

Ostensibly a platformer, this game puts colour and music at the heart of the experience. At the beginning of each level, you’re stuck in a monochrome world with what really is best described as a minimalist glumtrack for music. After filling your blobby avatar with various colours and painting in anything and everything you find however, the environment is transformed into a world of rich and vibrant colours, supported by a truly wonderful soundtrack of funky jazz. Fighting your way past the conformity loving ‘Inkies’ through to the end of the game isn’t too difficult, but finding every last secret presents a challenge you’ll gleefully accept. The wonderfully crafted cutscenes are the icing on the cake and, considering the rock bottom prices this criminally ignored title is now selling for, there’s no excuse not to buy it.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Anthony says: We’ve all dreamed of what it would be like to have robot arms and how awesome x-ray vision would be, but Deus Ex: Human Revolution managed to put a bleak spin on the whole thing. After an unfortunate work related incident, Adam Jensen is rebuilt with a variety of cyber bits that augment his body. The result: a multi-purpose man-tool players can mould to fit their desires. Want to play the game like a ninja? Improve your skin so you turn invisible. Want to be a walking death factory? Upgrade your robo-arms so they can throw vending machines and steady your aim.

The RPG-like ability upgrade system means you can go through the game and have a completely different experience each time. Chase down secrets and sub-missions in the open hub areas, and you can easily stretch one playthrough to 25 hours. I was sucked into this game and the dystopian future it was pushing. This could definitely be played as the most entertaining stealth game of the year, whilst at the same time being an action driven cover shooter. The plethora of choices, coupled with serious consequences for your actions, makes this several brilliant games in one.

So, how do you feel about our choices? Happy? Angry, sad, confused? Hungry? Thirsty? Exhausted? Feel free to let us know (not that you’ll ever change our minds about anything). You’re welcome also to congratulate Kevin on doing a wonderful job on this year’s Game of the Year award graphics. Steal them, and he will hunt you down.

Hunt you down we say!

P.S. You’ll soon be able to find a condensed version of our choices at ‘Most Wanted’, the vouchercodes.co.uk blog. In fact, if you head to the main Voucher Codes website, you’ll be able to find offers and discount codes for literally squillions of online retailers, many of which stock some or all of the above games. The codes are all free, and you don’t even need to register with the site! Lovely. 

Everybody needs to hold onto a dream in order to function. That dream could be anything from being a rock star to becoming a mother or father; a published author, the owner of a small business, a surgeon, an actor or actress, a politician, a sports star. Sometimes, it’s the possibility – however large or small – of realising that dream that drives you. At other times, merely seeing the dream is enough to comfort; a reminder that there are things in life worth having and worth working for.

This idea is, sometimes subconsciously, behind the creation and popularity of a massive chunk of existing fiction and art. A song or poem might grab your attention because, for example, it hooks into your feelings of despair – or hope. A book or film might start with a ‘what if’ concept you once considered yourself, and take it places you would never have thought of. Any form of entertainment is able to present you with an existence you would love to explore. Videogames are able to do so with one crucial advantage over all others. They encourage – in fact, actively require – you to step into this existence and take part.

To return to an example given above, it is perhaps obvious and rather crude to suggest that rock star fantasies can be acted out in Guitar Hero and Rock Band; but no less valid for that. Equally of course there are games that allow a basic role-play of dream jobs such as racing driver, film director, footballer, and so on. A taste of the dream, however brief and ultimately meaningless. Look closer and dig deeper; you’ll find more subtle psychology at play.

Consider the staggering popularity of the The Sims franchise. Taken at face value they’re games that seek to emulate the minutiae of prosaic life, with little to no appeal for anybody. Of course, this lack of appeal could not be further from the truth. Putting aside for one moment spin-offs and expansion packs that push fantastical elements or gimmicks to the fore, what these games allow the player to do in essence is determine the fate of others. Perhaps for some by projection the fate of those they love, those they hate – or themselves.

Depression and anger both stem from a feeling of impotence. If you realise that you can not change the past or the present, or perhaps the future, there is a chance you will become angry or depressed about it. You spill a drink on your favourite games machine. It stops working, and you are unable to fix it; you may become angry. A job or a relationship that you felt happy and comfortable in suddenly, unexpectedly, drops you with no hope of return; you may become depressed.

A Sims game empowers the player largely through prosaic details they must deal with themselves away from the screen. By presenting a world that in many ways mirrors day-to-day life, the power given to you within this world becomes more meaningful. It’s a trade-off that the player barely even realises they’re making. In exchange for having to fix televisions, take showers, eat food and even use the toilet, the player can make and break relationships; give and take away employment; improve or ruin housing; and much more, all in a world that is similar to the one in which they can only dream of such control.

So called ‘sandbox’ games such as the Grand Theft Auto series empower the player in a different way. The issue here is not god-like power, but the simultaneously simple and complex concept of freedom. Yes, games such as these feature missions which must be completed in order to advance the story. It is the ability to spend as much time as you like doing whatever you want between missions that is key, however. A good ‘sandbox’ title will provide plenty for the player to do outside of the main story, and will be careful to allow the player to ignore all of it should they so wish.

Perhaps you have a job. Maybe you’re looking for one, or perhaps you’re still at school, college or university. Do you have a family of your own? All of the above? Whatever your situation, there are demands on your time. Sure, you get time to yourself; but don’t you ever wish you had a little more? A little more time where you can do what you want to do, simply because you want to do it?

Outside of missions in such games you are free to do whatever you wish, a sense of freedom strengthened by the day/night cycle virtually all such titles now employ. In this way, a twenty minute play session can feel like much longer while it lasts. Taking Grand Theft Auto IV as an example, you could search the city for the hidden pigeons at your leisure. Call a friend to get drunk with. Explore on foot just to see what there is to find, or drive around for the simple pleasure of driving. Perhaps even park up in a quiet corner and enjoy the music and chatter from the radio, or return home and watch TV. Maybe sit in the back of a taxi from one end of the game world to the other and admire the scenery, simply because you can.

It is quite literally impossible for any other form of entertainment to empower people in this way.

Ultimately however, there are very few games which refuse to place constraints on the freedom and power of the player. There are always instructions to follow, bad guys to be killed, rules to be obeyed. Nonetheless, videogames serve to strengthen and even provide us with our necessary daydreams more than any song, painting, film, book, comic, TV series, or play ever could. This is why when a rare exception to these rules and constraints appears – such as LittleBigPlanet or Minecraft – a certain proportion of its fanbase latches on with unimaginable enthusiasm, lifting sheer joy from the experience. It’s ironic then, perhaps, that the one game on the horizon which seems to act as an analogy for the essence of what is being discussed here is set to be a significantly more linear experience itself.

Bioshock Infinite is still a mystery to an extent, but the broad details that have been released thus far are more than enough to see it as an unwitting (perhaps) commentary on the human desire to better oneself. The player’s character, Booker DeWitt, has been sent to Columbia – the city in the sky – to rescue a woman by the name of Elizabeth, and bring her to New York. Elizabeth was, it seems, previously imprisoned (or at least guarded) by a huge mechanical beast known as Songbird. Songbird seems set to haunt them both throughout the adventure, keen to return Elizabeth to the tower where she was kept. She tells DeWitt that she would rather die than return.

This is far from a simple damsel in distress story however. Elizabeth has a unique and incredible power; the ability to reach into alternate realities, and pull objects from those worlds into her own. Others are well aware of her power, and want her for their own purposes. It has also been strongly hinted that if she regularly uses this power, it will damage her physically – and perhaps even psychologically.

Consider Elizabeth, for a moment, to represent a ‘normal’ person such as you or I. She is trapped with no hope of anything better, of anything different, by the huge oppressive figure of Songbird; a gloomy, fearful embodiment of depression and monotony. DeWitt – fate – promises to whisk her away from the tower and from Songbird forever. As is so often the case however, fate sometimes needs a helping hand. Elizabeth therefore is more than willing to do the very best she can to help DeWitt where needed. It drains her – hurts her – but it’s worth it in her eyes, because it’s for her and her future. She’s giving what she has to give to benefit herself because she wants to, rather than somebody else because they demand it. If the inevitable twist in the tale turns out to be that Elizabeth created Songbird herself – or that she brought it from an alternate reality that she thought she wanted, but soon realised she didn’t – the analogy will be complete.

It should be stressed that this idea of Bioshock Infinite as a commentary on human emotions and aspirations is mine and not, so far as I am aware, that of anybody at Irrational Games. Perhaps others will interpret it in this way consciously or subconsciously and then, just maybe, it will add still further to the appeal of this already intriguing game. At the very least, the idea of exploring a city in the sky should prove what is at the heart of this article: playing videogames can be a life affirming experience.

Whenever an article uses a question as a title, it’s fair to assume that the author has an answer in mind, which they wish to spend some time (perhaps too long) explaining and justifying. Said answer is usually negative where possible. It’s human nature; for example, if you ask a friend ‘What does she think she looks like?’, the continuation of that thought will not be ‘Because I think she looks great‘. Indeed, my answer to the question at the top of the page is ‘no’. Whether you agree or disagree with me, I’m well aware that nothing I say is likely to change your mind. So why am I writing this? Good question. Consider it an act of catharsis if you like.

First of all, we need to establish what I mean by ‘hardcore shooter’. I don’t mean a shooter that sticks hard and fast to the core of what a typical FPS (or any shooter at all) does. Those elements are all present and correct in Bulletstorm; there are guns to shoot with, things to be shot, and a system in place to reward you for shooting those things with the weapons provided. It’s fair to say that describes the skeleton that holds together any game that can be described as a ‘shooter’, right? So no, that’s not what I mean.

By ‘hardcore shooter’, I mean ‘a shooter designed for hardcore gamers’. That certainly doesn’t seem to be a good description of Bulletstorm to me. No, the chances are that it won’t particularly appeal to the sort of person whose gaming consists of ten minutes on Wii Fit every two weeks. But just as there are many different types of ‘hardcore’ gamers, there are several types of ‘casual’ gamers too. Perhaps you’re thinking of pensioners who enjoy playing games with motion control, despite struggling to control the motions of their bowels. At the other end of this ageist stereotype spectrum, however, lurk the casual gamers who gobble up games like Bulletstorm.
I’m talking about affluent people in their late teens and early twenties – not to mention fourteen year olds who think they’re affluent people in their late teens and early twenties – who dip in and out of games between drinking sessions. They don’t know or care about games such as Okami, Limbo, Flower, Ico, et al. They do however know and care about fast cars, porn, dumb action movies with huge budgets, and looking cool. They’ll buy any game with the words ‘need for speed’ on the box without even thinking about checking the reviews. They’ll buy whichever sports title has the best advertising and most real-life players and licensing. They’ll also be drawn like moths to a flame to any game that looks violent and ‘cool’… like, say, Bulletstorm.

Take a look at the TV advert:

Pesky rules and regulations mean that the gore is kept to a minimum in the advert; but it’s there briefly, and is so ridiculously over the top it’s easy to infer that it plays a major part in the full game. At the beginning of the ad, it’s made clear that the game is aiming to be different from standard shooters (no bad thing at all). There then follows twenty seconds or so of shiny lights, pretty colours, fast moving footage, and even a huge monster – all accompanied by RAWK music (an admittedly clever choice; in case you didn’t know, it’s ‘Hey Man, Nice Shot’ by Filter).

In all honesty, the commercial doesn’t make it look all that different from a hundred other sci fi shooters. The rhetorical question at the beginning plants a seed in the easily swayed mind however, and a certain type of person ends up thinking that Bulletstorm is an original, ‘cool’, interactive movie blockbuster.

Once the sale is made, this type of casual gamer (fellow Britons, think ‘chav’) will be very pleased with what they find, and no doubt word of mouth will lead to many similar consumers contributing to sales. Lots of blood and gore – wow! Lots of swearing – it’s for grown ups! On-screen sexual innuendo when you make an impressive kill – “Hur-hur-hur, it says ‘Gang Bang’ on my telly, hur-hur-hur”.

Fetch me a needle and thread, for I believe my sides have actually split.

As an aside, the attempt by Fox News to suggest Bulletstorm encourages rape was ridiculous, entirely unfounded, and farcical; in short, no different from a thousand other Fox News reports. If they had tried to get the game banned on the grounds it looked like it might be a bit crap, they’d have got a lot more sympathy for their cause.

The point is, Bulletstorm’s PR and fans can pretend all they like that the outrageously over-the-top violence, innuendo and swearing is self-aware and ironic. It is self-aware, but not in a ‘Wouldn’t it be daft if we were being serious’ way. More in a ‘This will seriously send sales through the roof’ way. How much pre-release hype would the game have garnered without these elements? Just how strong is the game underneath? To an extent, all People Can Fly have done is stolen the basic concept of The Club from Bizarre Creations (R.I.P.) and given it a sci fi lick of paint.

Name me one universally lauded game which goes to comparable extremes. If you think you have one, think carefully; does it really push cheap tricks as far, in any way, as Bulletstorm? People love Half-Life for the strong yet cutscene free storytelling, not to mention the clever puzzles and masterful atmosphere. Deus Ex is virtually worshipped; it combines an intelligent script (which covers philosophy, morality, sociology, and more) with impressive freedom of choice in both gameplay and character interaction. Not every FPS needs to have such intellectual aspirations; but none at all need to pander to sniggering schoolchildren.

I'm sure there must be one of these things in Bulletstorm somewhere.

That’s not to say that only brain-dead morons are capable of enjoying Bulletstorm. If you consider yourself to be a hardcore gamer and you’re enjoying EA’s latest title – good for you. I’m genuinely glad you don’t feel you’ve wasted the money you spent on a new release, and I’m sure I like many of the same games you do. I certainly hope you’re not entirely comfortable with the playground mentality of the script, though.

GoldenEye is more of a hardcore shooter than Bulletstorm. A remake of a game nearly fourteen years old (based on a film now almost sixteen years old) with relatively little advertising is not going to appeal to the same people. In fact, it’s not likely to appeal to very many ‘casual’ gamers at all, despite being exclusive to the Wii and DS (we can probably blame complicated legal wrangling for that; the original was an N64 exclusive published by Nintendo). It was a game that, ultimately, only got made due to demand from hardcore gamers – and games don’t get much more hardcore than that.

The phrase ‘JRPG hero’ conjures up a certain image in your mind and, whilst I may not have every last detail, I have a pretty good idea of what you’re seeing in your mind’s eye right now. Young, male, probably blonde, sharp hair, almost certainly holding some sort of sword. It’s like I’ve ripped your head open and I’m staring at your brain! Does it hurt?!?

The point (I think) is that pretty much every lead character from every JRPG so far produced share many similarities. Thus was born this deconstruction of the JRPG stereotype. Depending on how sadistically minded you are you may, if you wish, replace the word ‘deconstruction’ with one of the following: examination, dissection, autopsy, exhumation.

Gigantic Eyes

A JRPG with cartoon style visuals will feature a hero with gigantic eyes. There’s a law in Japan about it, passed in 1992, the breaking of which is punishable by death (they kill you until you die). What good are eyes big enough to beat a small dog to death with? Well for one, only eyes that big will be able to fully comprehend the gargantuan breasts the female characters will inevitably be carrying around with them.

Whacking great eyeballs are great for spotting enemies too, of course. And if the hero blinks really quickly, it produces a gust of wind strong enough to knock back all but the biggest boss characters. Finally, enemies will hesitate before attacking; taking as they will a moment to say to themelves ‘crikey, those eyes are enormous’.

Spiky Hair

Oh yes. Cartoony or realistic, the heroes and heroines of JRPGs have more pointy haircuts amongst them than a planet full of nu metal bands. Why so many spiky haircuts? Well the boring (and possibly correct) explanation would point out that the JRPG is one of the oldest videogame genres; that the first titles were made when sprites consisted of a small number of pixels, and spiky hair was the quickest, easiest way to distinguish hair from head. It would look a bit silly if everybody was bald, or wearing hats. The hairstyle came to typify the genre, and so survived over years of technological advancement.

Yes, I know they're not usually in RPGs - you're missing the point. Geddit?

I prefer to think that it serves as a last ditch melee weapon. Each spike is also, obviously, an antenna that picks up solar radiation in the atmosphere and converts it into magical energy. Spiky hair even acts as a kind of camouflage. Stand still, and enemies who see the top of your head over a wall will think they’re seeing distant mountains.

Legs On Show And Impractical Battle Bras

This usually only applies to female characters. They do have very very short or incomplete skirts generally speaking, don’t they, the JRPG heroines? Not to mention boobs bursting out all over the place, more often than not. There is a reason for this of course.

There’s a certain type of adolescent male who levels up when he sees a cartoon lady in revealing clothing. He then engages in a brief yet intense training fight, until his stamina is gone and he showers the screen with XP.

Something like that, anyway…

Oversized Weapons

I shall not stoop to Carry On jokes here (unless it gets a laugh). I’m talking about guns large enough to fire elephants out of the barrel or, more traditionally, swords big enough to hide a Vespa behind. The benefits are obvious; maximum destruction and it looks really cool.

It's made of polystyrene.

Naturally, just carrying huge weaponry implies strength and skill. For the female characters, it’s also a matter of balance. A massive sword carried on the back counteracts the two crimes against God carried on the chest. If a JRPG heroine draws her sword too quickly, she falls flat on her face.

Well, she would if her knockers weren’t so perversely huge.

So there you have it, the JRPG hero/heroine ripped apart and the gory dangly bits thrown around for your pleasure. Did I forget anything important? Let us know!

There have been so many videogames set during the second world war, it’s quite likely that you’ve played at least one or two. Thanks to the painstaking attention to detail and hunger for historical accuracy, you may even have learned something new about the conflict without realising; the weapons used, the important battles fought, the dates of important events. Be thankful that our children do not rely solely on videogames for their education on such matters for if they did, they would be completely unaware of the Holocaust.

Approximately six million men, women and children were murdered – often literally worked to death – simply because they were Jewish. Millions more were persecuted and killed by the Nazis including (though not limited to) homosexuals, Romani, people of various faiths, and the disabled. A horrific systematic slaughter on an unimaginable scale, it was arguably the most important event of the twentieth century in terms of influence on social and political development. The word ‘genocide’ was not even in use until 1944 (though its author first coined the word in 1943), when the Polish-Jewish legal scholar Raphael Lemkin named and defined it (“the destruction of a nation or of an ethnic group”) in his published work ‘Axis Rule in Occupied Europe’. The human race being what it is, genocide has been perpetrated time and again in places such as Bosnia and Darfur; but the horror of the Holocaust has served to increase worldwide disgust at, and determination to punish and prevent, such actions further than ever.

Though the full extent of Nazi persecution of the Jews was not made clear until the end of hostilities, more than enough was known about this (in addition to Hitler’s megalomania, of course) during the war to mark the fascist Nazi party out as a force that must be stopped at all costs. With the benefit of hindsight, the people of today are able to pore over every last detail, which makes the second world war that rarest of things in our eyes – an undeniably necessary conflict.

So why do few – if any – videogames set during this war mention or in some way refer to the Holocaust?

It’s easy to turn to dark and overly cynical theories, but the truth is most likely that developers are simply scared. They won’t go anywhere near the subject for fear of causing offence, knowing full well that just one mistake could trigger a global outrage. If this is the case, then it’s definitely an attitude I can understand and sympathise with – but not one that I can condone.

Even the surprisingly thoughtful Brothers in Arms games avoid the subject.

I haven’t played every single videogame set during the second world war, so there are perhaps a few that explicitly refer to the Holocaust. If so, they are undeniably in the minority. It should be noted however that there was one game which aimed to tackle the issue head on in an educational, tasteful way – and got shot down in flames before securing a release.

The title I am referring to is ‘Imagination Is The Only Escape’, a DS game that British developer Luc Bernard had developed and was hoping to have hit the shelves. The game was to combine a game world based on the fantasy world of the main character (a Jewish boy living in Nazi occupied France) with educational, historically accurate text. However, it seems that both Nintendo of America and Nintendo of Europe refused to allow the game a release – without even seeing it. Despite scouring the internet I was unable to find any information on this title dated after late 2008, so it seems that it will never see the light of day.

What little was known of this game was intriguing, and it seems to be a real shame that Nintendo killed it off. The false start of Bernard’s title is no excuse for others however, as (a) WWII games were being developed long before 2008, and (b) in all honesty, it would have been more surprising if the family oriented Nintendo did approve a game that directly addresses the Holocaust, especially one for the DS.

If you think that games are art – and if you’re a developer, you probably do – then you shouldn’t for a second be thinking ‘games should stay away from the issue of the Holocaust’. I’m not saying that there should be a game about the Holocaust (though I believe this is possible), but the world of videogames has a duty to at least recognise the fact it happened. There are countless examples of other forms of entertainment handling the subject. For example, the story of Oskar Schindler – the German industrialist who went to great pains to protect his Jewish workers, who numbered well over 1,000 – has been adapted into a novel (Schindler’s Ark) and a film (Schindler’s List). Staying with cinema, we should look to a more recent release for a glimpse of how a videogame acknowledging the issue could successfully be made.

Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Inglourious Basterds’ does not deal directly with the Holocaust itself. The beating heart of the film is Nazi persecution of the Jews however, which drives every moment of the movie. The rage and lust for revenge which fuels the Basterds leads them to kill and torture with gusto, visibly enjoying every moment. In fact, as the film progresses, the viewer may well start to question just how much higher on the moral ground the Basterds are than the Nazis whom they hunt.

As anybody who has seen the film will know, this shot captures perfectly what Inglourious Basterds is all about.

During one brilliant and extremely tense sequence, we are teased with finding out whether or not the leader of the Basterds will keep his word and show mercy to a young, solitary Nazi soldier. When the moment of truth arrives… well, you’ll have to watch the movie to find out.

The point is this: Inglourious Basterds is identifiably a Tarantino movie, and one that you can ‘enjoy’. There are traditional action sequences, and a dark humour runs throughout the entire experience. This is all wrapped up in stylish direction and glossy production values. Does this sound a million miles away from the basic premise of several action games released over the last few years? All that’s missing is one thing; the skilful integration of Nazi persecution of the Jews.

There is of course one very important factor which distinguishes videogames from books, movies, plays etc. which I have yet to acknowledge – interactivity. Yet this is a strength to be played to, not a weakness to fall back on. Games including (though certainly not limited to) Bioshock, Okami, Flower and GTA have shown us very different ways in which videogames can offer a compelling, utterly unique experience. Why not use this vision and skill to handle a serious and important subject that must never, ever be forgotten?

I was going to detail The Milgram experiment here, but instead urge you to investigate the matter yourself. Please do – it is fascinating, and disturbing, in and of itself. You will see why I encourage you to research it in relation to this article.

How best to introduce the Holocaust and/or Nazi persecution of the Jews into the world of videogames? Unfortunately for me, I have neither the skill set nor the experience of a videogame developer. If pushed however I (and many others) could easily come up with rough ideas for those who do. What might they achieve on their own, if only they would try?

I believe that videogames not only could, but should make a concerted effort to look this subject straight in the eyes. There is no precedent – but just because something has not been done before, that is not to say that it can not be done at all.

Last week I detailed my plans for a videogame adaptation of the Old Testament, and offered the rights to all interested Christian denominations. After some intense bidding, I’m close to sealing the deal with either Queen Elizabeth II (head of the Church of England) or Pope Benedict XVI (head of the Catholic Church). I’m sorry to say that there was brief but disturbing violence during negotiations.

It will all start again soon, as I present here for their and everybody else’s consideration my proposal for the sequel; The New Testament.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was sex. People were begetting all over the place and lo, they didn’t half enjoy it. A long and fruitful lineage was borne of this filth, which led to the birth of Jesus Christ, son of God, to the man Joseph and the woman Mary.

“Mary, you should become wise in the ways of Pontius Pilates, for you have grown plump in the stomach.” quoth Joseph.

“I am with child.” said Mary.

“How did this come to pass? For you have had a mighty headache for three months, or so you have said unto me.”

“Um… an angel, er… came unto me and said that I was to, er, carry the child of the Lord our God.” quoth Mary, looking not into the eyes of Joseph.

“So it had nothing to do with Ezekiel from number 42 then?” asked Joseph.

“No.” mumbled Mary. And that was the end of the matter.

The opening 100 levels will get the player’s attention, because they’re all about sex! There are dozens of playable characters but, this being a good Christian game, only one position. It will of course be tastefully done; I suggest bringing in David Cage so that he can help us develop sex scenes as sensitively and professionally handled as those in Fahrenheit (AKA Indigo Prophecy) and Heavy Rain. The interactive sex scenes in those games were not awkward or laughable in the slightest. No. Not one little bit.

So it came to pass that the man Joseph and the woman Mary were blessed with the little baby Jesus. But o, his poo stank to high heaven. Bathing was a challenge from God, for the child would float upon the surface of the water and refuse to submerge.

Image from the planned Transformers expansion pack; Jesus vs Unicron.

In later years, when he could walk upon the face of the Earth unaided, the Lord Jesus developed habits that his mortal parents did not entirely approve of. He would squash the small insects of the earth, and raise them from the dead so that he might squash them once again. He bestowed monkey tails upon his peers for his own amusement, and would often turn his father’s wine into water. He once made his mother develop unnatural feelings for a potato for three days, as a result of an argument about leaving his sandals in the middle of the living room.

Clearly a Babysitting Mama clone, complete with doll that speaks several Bible quotes, is called for here as a way of encouraging younger gamers to join in. The toddler to early teenage years will play out as an action platformer, in the vein of Psychonauts.

Much time passed, and many things happened, of which we shall not speak here. Eventually, the Lord Jesus took himself into the desert for forty days and forty nights, and fasted. There the demon Satan, who was the fallen angel Lucifer, came unto him and offered many temptations.

“You are hungry” said Satan “and you have no food. But lo, you have many wondrous powers like David Blaine or something. So why not turn these stones into bread? For bread is most yummy, and full of polyunsaturates.”

“You can not tempt me, Satan.” quoth the Lord.

“If you’re so damn great, then climb you to the top of this temple which is in the middle of the desert for some reason. Jump you from there, for is it not written that God will send some angels to catch you or something?”

“It is also written, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God’.”

“Bow down to me.” snarled Satan. “On your knees and worship me but for a second, and I shall give thee kingdoms and gold and shiny things and a golden Ferdinand Match Attax card.”

“Thou shalt worship none but the Lord your God.” quoth Jesus.

40 days, 40 nights, 40 temptations… 40 minigames. There’s only so many ways you can interpret resisting temptation, so some of them will have to be WarioWare style microgames.

Many more things came to pass. After these things came another thing, which was the betrayal of Jesus. The disciple Judas betrayed the Lord Jesus to the Romans for thirty pieces of silver.

“I can take you to him.” said Judas.

“How shall we know which one is he who calls himself king of the Jews?”

“I shall kiss him on the cheek.” said Judas, who was Different. “Thus shall you know him as the one you seek.”

So it came to pass that Judas returned to Jesus, with soldiers following him close behind.

“I have returned, my lord!” cried Judas, and kissed Jesus upon the cheek.

“Get off me you homo.” quoth the Lord Jesus Christ.

Soldiers descended upon the place where Jesus was, and took him away to the palace of exercise guru Pontius Pilates.

“I wash my hands of this man, and so on and so forth.” said Pontius unto his people.

Judas tried to return his thirty pieces of silver. “He treats me badly but I love him.” he sobbed. But the deed was done; and so Judas returned to his house and hanged himself.

The thirty pieces of silver were used to buy ground to “bury strangers in” (Matthew 27:7), and never was it specified whether these strangers were dead or alive at the time of burial.

Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Though I have here written an unerringly accurate representation of events, I think that a little artistic license needs to be taken in the context of the game. A cutscene introduces Judas’ betrayal, after which the player is put in control of Jesus Christ Himself. The game then becomes a homage to Streets of Rage (or, perhaps more appropriately, Final Fight) as Jesus uses His street fighting moves to break through the swarms of Roman soldiers. Kick hard enough and your sandals – or ‘Jesus Creepers’ – become retrievable projectiles for long-range attacks.

No matter how hard you fight however, the final boss will knock you out by hitting you over the head with a copy of ’15 Minute Everyday Pontius Pilates’. There is then a bonus game (making use of the Wii Balance Board, PlayStation Eye, or Kinect depending on format) where the player is encouraged to wash their hands as energetically as possible.

This New Testament sequel will be two games in one, however. In order to attract the more cynical elements of today’s youth, there will be a second game included on the disc, which will feature prominently in the game’s art, promotion and advertising. That game is:

Jesus Christ’s Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies have been hugely popular amongst young people in the gaming world since the first Resident Evil, and this popularity has only grown in recent years. Why not take advantage of this? Jesus Christ, after all, is the ultimate zombie master. He created the first zombie in recorded history (Lazarus) and, after raising himself from the dead after his crucifixion, became a hugely powerful zombie himself.

Jesus Christ’s Zombie Apocalypse presents an alternate Biblical history. Jesus suffered no interruptions after the resurrection of Lazarus; he went on to quickly and methodically create zombies across Israel, and then the whole of the Roman Empire, and eventually the world. Who will stand against Jesus and his global army of the evil undead?

Enter Judas.

“I’m the only one who’ll take on the holy army of undead.” quoth Judas, spitting upon the ground. “The only one brave enough, or the only one stupid enough? Give me a shotgun, and you can say what the hell you want.”

As he ripped the arms off another zombie, Judas snarled into the beast’s face: “I got a message for Zombie Jesus. I’m just here to kick ass and chew papyrus – and I’m all outta papyrus.”

There have been countless Bible – inspired Christian ‘em ups over the last few decades. The problem is that they’re either misedutainment titles, or unlicensed; and therefore buggy, boring, and technically inept. Christianity is on the decline worldwide; I asked a priest why, and he said ‘Buggered if I know’. Not sure which one of us he was referring to at the beginning of that sentence.

Anyway, I want to help! I have here outlined the first part of my plans for the perfect videogame adaptation of the Bible. Catholic, Quaker, Protestant, Baptist; any denomination is welcome to approach me for the rights to The Bible: The Official Videogame. Be quick though, as it’s first come first served. Okay, here we go:

In the beginning, darkness was upon the face of the deep. And so the Lord God Spake unto the void, ‘Blimey, it’s dark in here. Let there be light’. And lo, a 40W desk lamp did come into being and show Him the way.

The game begins very much like LittleBigPlanet with the player, as God, creating… well, everything. Tutorials are narrated by the disembodied voice of Stephen Fry. Connect a headset or microphone, and earn bonus points by commenting on the irony of a gay atheist telling God what to do. Fry helps God along His way by issuing ten commandments of his own:

“Thou shalt make the corners and edges first.”

“Thou shalt not shape continents after the image of thy penis.”

“Thou shalt create dinosaurs, so that creationists may be antagonised.”

“Thou shalt award thy son one continue.”

“Thou shalt give England crappy weather as punishment for cricket.”

“Thou shalt make grass green, so that people know where the sky stops.”

“Thou shalt not fix the infinitely spawning loaves and fishes glitch.”

“Thou shalt allow men and women to have Plug & Play functionality.”

“Thou shalt allow homosexuals to improvise.”

“Thou shalt not release a patch later.”

Squint, and you can see there's historical proof.

And the Lord God looked upon what He had created, and spake ‘Yeah, that’ll do’. Then he did make a wondrous garden, and he did call this land of plenty Eden. He made a creature after his image to live there, and this creature was Man. He did copy and paste this creature and lo, he pushed the dangly bit inside and verily, he rolled up two leftover bits and stuck one on the front and one on the back; then He decided this looked silly and stuck them side by side on the chest; and this creature he did call Woman. He created a wondrous device called Television, and a device more wondrous still called The Remote Control; but woe upon the land of Eden, for this caused many bitter arguments. So it came to pass that Television was banned for thousands of years, and the Man who was Adam and the Woman who was Eve had naught but the spectator sport of star jumps to pass the time.

This section of the game plays in a similar vein to Viva Piñata; keep your humans well fed and happy. Watch out for Solid Snake, who creeps around Eden with a banana plucked from the Tree of Life. Should Adam spot the sneaky satanic agent a giant red exclamation mark appears above his head, which you can use to batter Snake unconscious. After 100 levels however Snake sneaks past no matter what you do, and Adam and Eve both take a bite from the Banana of Knowledge.

And so it came to pass that the Man Adam and the Woman Eve had Knowledge, and saw that they were naked. The Lord God spake ‘I know what you’re thinking, you dirty tinkers. Get out of my garden’.

Yea verily, much time passed. The Lord God looked upon what he had created, and spake unto Noah ‘Take your family, and two of each animal. Make you two arks, for I shall bring a great flood upon the world to extinguish all life from the earth’. And Noah did say ‘Um, two arks, my lord?’. And the Lord God spake unto Noah ‘Verily, two arks. One for you, your wife and the animals, and another to fill with poo. There will be an abundance of poo, my son’. Said Noah to the Lord, ‘Lord, if you wish to extinguish all life, should it truly be a flood? For will not the fish, and the birds which feed upon the fish, survive such a judgement upon the earth?’. And the Lord God spake ‘Just build the fucking arks’.

The first part of this section will be a Diner Dash clone where the player, as Noah, undergoes stressful resource management to keep all of the animals fed (and poo thrown to Ark II). The second part will concentrate on the rare moments of respite Noah enjoys, where he rides a dolphin around the flooded lands. Think Wave Race, but with no other racers.

The proud and arrogant people of Babylon built a great tower, so that they might reach heaven and win audience with the Lord. The Lord God looked upon the tower and was not pleased, for the plebs would surely lower the house prices. So He did decide to smite the tower and those who built it, and lay waste to the city of Babylon. For He was God, and could do whatever He bloody well wanted.

Being God is FUN!

Two games in one here. Play as God, it’s the Blast Corps sequel that never was; play as the Babylonians, it’s a tower defence game.

Next to suffer the wrath of God was to be Sodom and Gomorrah, for the Lord God was still bitter at being ordered around by Stephen Fry. Abraham did say ‘Lord, though you are as wise as you are powerful, would you truly destroy the righteous with the wicked?’. And the Lord God spake unto Abraham ‘Um… maybe’. So Abraham did say ‘Were there fifty innocent souls in Sodom, would they too die in the fires of your wrath?’ to which God replied ‘I would spare Sodom and Gomorrah for fifty righteous’. ‘If the cities were just five short, and forty five righteous were there to be found?’. ‘For forty five I would stay my wrath’ spake the Lord. ‘Forty?’ said Abraham. ‘Look, I’m not bloody haggling’ spake the Lord God.

I’m not making this up, by the way. Well, not entirely. Genesis 18:23 – 18:32.

‘Thirty? Twenty? Ten?’ asked Abraham. ‘Yes, yes, yes. That’s enough, sod off before I give you leprosy.’ spake the Lord God.

Another Blast Corps – style section here. More headset/microphone bonus points to be won, again for commenting on irony. Had Abraham haggled God down just a little more, Sodom and Gomorrah would have been saved, for there were six innocents; three men and three women. The head of the family was called Lot, but six was not a ‘lot’ of righteous in God’s eyes. Ha! Haha! I made a joke.

Perhaps just five righteous; Lot’s wife was turned into a pile of salt as punishment for rubbernecking.

Wearing nothing but a flower in her hair. Phwoar, eh lads?

Cutscene: The Lord God spake unto Abraham ‘Take your son, your only son whom you love so much and is called Isaac, to the top of the mountain, and there kill him for my amusement’. And Abraham did say ‘Of course Lord, that seems perfectly reasonable. You truly are a wise and just god, whom only damned infidels would dare to question’. And so Abraham took his only son Isaac to the top of the mountain, and Isaac did say ‘Please daddy, I love you, please don’t, daddy, I love you daddy, daddy no, please, please daddy, why, why, why daddy, I still love you even though you do this thing I wish you were not doing daddy’. And Abraham did reach the appointed place, and he did lift his arm to the sky with a freshly sharpened blade in his hand, and the Lord God spake ‘I was only joking’ and everybody laughed.

The Sims is one of the most popular, most profitable franchises videogaming has ever seen – so of course, I shall be ripping it off for this game.

The Lord God saw that the man Job was one of the most righteous and devoted people on His earth, and so chose to make his life a misery. ‘He’s got three thousand camels. What the heck does one man need three thousand camels for?’ spake the Lord (Job 1:3). ‘I shall teach him the error of his camel fancying ways’. And so it came to pass that the Lord God killed Job’s children and lo, Job was unhappy (but now rich). ‘Why, Lord, why?’ spake Job unto himself. ‘Think of the camels’ thought the Lord God. Satan saw what had come to pass, and spake unto the Lord ‘He still sings your praises, but should you do more to him he would surely curse you’ to which the Lord God replied ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet Lucy’. And so Job’s life became a whirlpool of pain, misery and torment; though in the end he was given some new children and not three, but six thousand camels (Job 42:12). So that’s okay then.

This final Sims-style section will also contain elements of Eyepet; if you want a break from torturing Job by laying waste to his health, family and possessions, you can dress him up in a variety of cute jumpers and amusing hats. Job will resonate with the hardcore gaming audience, as he was surely the first blind faith fanboy.

Right, that’s the Old Testament done. Didn’t miss anything, did I? Oh, in case you were wondering where Moses and the trials of the Jews are, those levels will be included in the Jerusalem map pack to be released in the next financial quarter.

Anything in particular from the New Testament you’d like to see in part two? Let me know…

How do developers and publishers decide what goes into a sequel? Presumably it’s based on consumer and critical feedback, unused ideas, technical limitations and innovations, and narrative consistency. Bo-ring! What they should do is, as we all know, add one letter to the title of the previous game and go from there. That will produce some fantastic and innovative games, for example:

Fridge Racer

Race refrigerators at breakneck speeds around the world. Over 25 fully licensed teams including Smeg, LG, Whirlpool, Bosch, and Hotpoint. Pimp your fridge! Hundreds of unlockable decals (fridge magnets) plus spoilers and nitro attachments. Work your way up to the FFWC (Fridge Freezer World Championship) featuring notorious fridge pilots Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, and – as a sexy unlockable extra – Nigella Lawson. Also includes Vintage Mode, best viewed through rose tinted specs. Classic fridge pilots Rusty Lee, Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, and Gary Rhodes all lend their likenesses to the game.

Call of Duty: Black Cops

In keeping with the industry’s obsession with American movies and TV, Black Cops features plenty of African-American stereotypes. Dozens of black police chiefs who are harsh but fair, who become increasingly frustrated with their best detective; a white guy who Doesn’t Play By The Rules. The Black Cops are prone to raising their voices during conversation, usually because the DA is on their ass.

Gold of War

In which we learn the true reasons behind the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Satire!

No Morse Heroes

With Inspector Morse gone, Lewis is forced to strike out on his own. The solo show meets with a lukewarm reception; in a bid to increase ratings, Lewis is given a lightsaber and permission to decapitate shoplifters. He then goes on to dismember and disembowel his rivals, with the aim of becoming the number one TV detective. Bosses include Frost, Columbo, Poirot, Kojak, and Batfink. The endgame is a tense one-on-one with Miss Marple, who is trained in the ways of the ninja. In order to save the game, you must watch John Thaw going to the toilet.

"They want to motion capture me doing WHAT?!?"

Superb Monkey Ball

Which primate has the most impressive testicles? You decide!

Command and Conquers

School themed RTS that centres around turn – based conker combat. Also includes highly addictive versions of Dead Arm and 40 40.

The Simsh

Narrated by Sir Sean Connery.

Guitar Heron

Rhythm action game where all the characters are musically gifted wading birds. Over 40 licensed tracks from artists including The Birds, Wings, The Eagles, and The Pigeon Detectives.

Shilent Hill

Narrated by Sir Sean Connery.

Halon

Thrilling sci-fi FPS that takes you on a rollercoaster ride through the world of iodomethane, tribromofluoromethane, dibromodifluoromethane, and even tetrafluoromethane. SPOILER: Final level features surprise appearance from dibromotetrafluoroethane. Also fire extinguishers.

In - game footage

Fart Cry

Over 20 hours of gameplay, thanks to the two distinct game modes. In the first, your farts sound like you’re crying. In the second, when you cry it sounds like you’re farting. Winner of the N4G Game of the Year Award 2008,2009,2010.

Battlefield: Band Company

A lighthearted look at the horrors of war, as told by a military brass band. Soundtrack features the work of Glenn Miller.

Naughty Beard

Psychotic facial hair escapes from the chin of a startled biker, and goes on a murderous rampage.

Mental Gear Solid

Solid Snake loses it completely, declaring himself to be the emperor of cheese. He then goes on to call everybody he meets ‘Mr Bungalow’, and eventually marries a toaster.

Wouldn’t the games industry – nay, the world – be a better place if this were how sequels were designed? I feel confident when I say you would join me in buying each and every one of the games listed above. Don’t give us sport game updates where nothing changes but the kit and the haircuts; don’t give us identikit brown and grey shooters; give us games where we break sorrowful wind.

Are you listening, publishers?

Tim Schafer is one of the most famous names in the games industry, and not without reason. He played an important part in the making of the first two Monkey Island games, played a larger part still in Day of the Tentacle, and was the driving force behind Full Throttle and Grim Fandango. Everybody had high hopes for Double Fine Productions, the company he formed in 2000; but has Schafer become his own worst enemy in recent years?

Though most immediately associated with sharp and witty dialogue, it’s worth remembering that the LucasArts games his name is attached to are also fondly remembered because they were great fun to play. This is true even of Grim Fandango, one of the first games to make the transition from ‘point and click’ to ‘walk and click’. Despite the clunky controls that games in the genre suffer from to this day, Grim Fandango was a mesmerising and utterly addictive experience. This was certainly due mostly to the excellent writing; but also thanks to the ineffably gripping and slightly eerie atmosphere provided by the art and overall concept. Here was a game that made an impossible and potentially ridiculous world immersive and believable, in a way that it had seemed only Terry Pratchett was capable of.

Seven years and one new company later, Schafer gave the world Psychonauts in 2005. A third person action platformer that abandoned the point and click genre completely, this was uncharted territory for him. If you’re wondering why this game has achieved cult status, and is afforded the kind of reverence ordinarily reserved for games drowning in nostalgia, you clearly haven’t played it.

Psychonauts most definitely has its problems. There are camera issues present in most platformers of the era, checkpoints are perhaps not quite so frequent as this particular game requires, and there are a few nasty difficulty spikes; for example, the final level features some perversely difficult sections. Nonetheless, it is little short of a masterpiece. The writing was predictably wonderful (it was co-written by Erik Wolpaw, who went on to work on Portal). Not only was the script often hilarious, it was surprisingly deep for those willing to look; issues of psychology had an effect on both the story and the environments. And how on earth could I fail to mention the art design? Hated by those uncomfortable with their own maturity, it was fantastically fresh and original. It impresses to this day, proving that the best visuals are not about processing horsepower, but about talent and vision.

Unfortunately, it all started to go downhill from there.

Double Fine’s next game was Brütal Legend. At first it seemed as though it would never see the light of day, despite having Schafer’s name attached and Jack Black heading the voice cast. When Activision became Activision Blizzard this new publishing behemoth found itself with the publishing rights, and decided to drop the game. It was eventually rescued from publishing hell by EA. Amusingly, when they saw all the positive press Brütal Legend was attracting, Activision Blizzard claimed that they still held the publishing rights; even going so far as to take the issue to court. Everything was at last settled out of court, on terms that remain undisclosed; and EA published.

On a personal level, Brütal Legend seemed like my perfect game. I loved Tim Schafer games, I loved Jack Black, and I loved heavy metal (the soundtrack is made up of dozens of metal songs, and the cast includes cameos from legends such as Lemmy and Ozzy Osbourne). Opinion was split however, and I was surprised to find myself edging toward the negative side of the fence. For a detailed explanation of why, you can check out the somewhat unconventional review I wrote.

There was so much to like. The writing was once again top notch, as was the metal album cover – inspired art; the acting was mostly excellent, too. It’s no exaggeration to say that this game features one of the best performances of Black’s acting career, and even the rock gods did a great job. Driving and combat were simple yet fun, and ordering people around was quick and easy. It started off life as a fully fledged RTS game, but that got whittled down until that element only made up about a third of the experience. Unfortunately, what remains of the RTS battles alienates many people. It’s not close enough to ‘proper’ RTS gameplay to please traditional fans, but close enough to be off putting and frustrating for non–RTS fans. Many people still loved even that part of Brütal Legend; but so many disliked or even hated it, Schafer felt the need to explain how to play his game on the internet. Surely if you come to that point, you’ve failed as a game designer?

Had Schafer dropped the RTS idea completely it would have been a much better game, and would almost certainly have met with a greater number of very positive reviews and better sales. As it was, it seems that the RTS idea was too close to his heart for him to see that it sat awkwardly with the rest of Brütal Legend.

This year, Double Fine released the downloadable title Costume Quest. Speaking for myself, this seems to be even more of a disappointment than Brütal Legend. I must stress immediately that I’ve only played the trial version; but surely it’s not good to find yourself getting bored of the demo?

Though not quite as sharp as that in previous titles, the writing is still great. The art style, again, stands out from that in most of its contemporaries. The concept is fantastic, and as with Psychonauts laughs in the face of hypermachismo; it’s Halloween, and you go out trick or treating with your sibling. Said sibling gets kidnapped by goblins who have invaded your town. You then set out on a rescue quest, hunting down sweets and monsters on your way – with the occasional bit of kid politics thrown in for good measure. On paper, it’s wonderful. In practice, it seems that concept comes first and gameplay second.

With the design in place, I can’t help but think that Schafer directed Double Fine to do their best to force gameplay in without denting the original vision (Costume Quest’s development was led by Tasha Harris). Combat is ludicrously simple turn–based fare, and from what I can tell changes very little from start to finish. I was bored of it and dreading the next battle before even half a dozen such encounters. No amount of Halloween themed characters can act as an ample replacement for engaging gameplay. And then there’s the fact that nothing has been done to spice up the act of walking from door to door trick or treating (which either rewards you with sweets or triggers a battle). Going from house to house and walking around town feels like work.

Could it be that, as head of his own studio with nobody above him to tell him what to do, Schafer now puts concept above all else?

The good news is that Schafer recently hired Monkey Island cohort Ron Gilbert. Two legends are better than one, and hopefully this will result in Double Fine producing the line of finely honed games promised by Psychonauts. Time will tell…