• Format: 360 (Kinect required, version reviewed), PS3 (PlayStation Move required)
• Unleashed: Out Now
• Publisher: 505 Games
• Developer: Zoe Mode
• Players: 1-8
• Site: http://www.greasethegame.com/

In the beginning was the word, and the word was Grease. That’s right, boys and girls; this is not, as you may have thought if overhearing others talk about it, a game about the Eurozone debt crisis. It is in fact the quite literally all-singing, all-dancing Grease videogame that became more and more inevitable as microphones and motion controls became more and more popular within the games industry. The question now is: is this a dumb jock, or slick greaser?

As you navigate up and down the main menu, you’ll notice that a sound effect plays each time the cursor touches an option. Within a few seconds, you realise that these tones are playing ‘Summer Nights’ at the irregular beat of your menu browsing. It’s a nice touch, and an immediate promise/warning of the cheesiness within.

Head in to Dance, and you’ll find just a few songs available. This isn’t a problem; songs are unlocked, basically, by performing each available one once. The tracklist is presented in a linear fashion by collecting the first batch of songs in an Easy set, another in Medium, then the final few (including a more demanding version of Grease) in Hard. There is, unfortunately, no way of setting your own difficulty for each song. Once you’ve made your choice, pick your game mode and the number of players, and off you go.

The groove of the word 'grease' may be debatable, but it certainly has meaning (both as a noun and as a transitive verb).

We all know the drill by now: copy the actions of the on-screen dancers. Here, it’s computer generated characters from Grease in suitably movie flavoured surroundings. The dance moves you’ll be copying are, by and large, ones that will be familiar to fans. Considering the fact that some of the original moves involve jumping up onto cars and interacting with crowds of perfectly synchronised dancers, a few changes have been made here and there where necessary, but familiarity with the best known Grease dance routines will certainly put you at an advantage.

Most of the Grease songs are in here; certainly the most famous ones, and many that you’ve probably forgotten. However, most – if not all – seem to be cover versions. Good cover versions though and, considering how many times the production has been done and redone on stage, it won’t even be an issue for many. Look At Me I’m Sandra Dee is a bloody terrible song no matter who’s singing it, though. In place of the few songs that are missing from the original list are other, frankly better songs from the era, such as Tutti Frutti.

No matter what difficulty the song you happen to be bopping along to has been placed in, it’s not hard to build up a score of hundreds of thousands of points. The game will often err on the side of generosity but, make no mistake, a good dancer will still crush the score of a poor one. Not that we have first-hand experience of this of course (ahem). The more demanding songs such as Hound Dog are the most enjoyable, especially with a dance partner (who you’ll have to be careful not to punch in the face if you don’t have a wide playing space).

There are a few different spins on the basic dance setup, including ‘Challenge’. This is a fun idea which works quite well, involving the dance routine being interrupted throughout the song by demands for you to strike a certain pose or perform a certain move. Lyrics are displayed at the bottom of the screen for each song, meaning you can warble along if the urge takes you (though it’s very difficult to keep track of the lyrics and the dance moves at the same time). There’s even a whole separate karaoke mode to try if you wish your singing to be judged by a ruthless machine. You can also go for the more reasonable option of dancer/s performing alongside singer/s, who can use either a USB microphone or the camera’s in-built mic.

Plenty of authentic rock 'n' roll moves in this game.

Sadly, the game slips up in pretty much every area where it tries to offer further value for money. Including dance moves where a pair of dancers swap positions then dance back again is a neat idea… until you realise the game makes no attempt to recognise you’ve moved. It includes the obligatory in-dance photo-taking… but there’s no way of sharing or even saving any of the results. There are minigames… but they’re all dull, or exhausting, or both (panel beating and spray painting is about as exciting as it sounds, for example). There are clips from the movie… but incredibly, no sound. Why bother including them at all?

A small point, but one we feel is worth mentioning, is that the Kinect version (tested for this review) recognises the presence of new players quickly and easily. Fellow Kinect users, how many times have you had to wave desperately at your TV, as though you’re trying to get the attention of somebody doing their very best to ignore you? Exactly.

Though there are missed opportunities and baffling decisions here, there’s also a lot of fun to be had for Grease fans. In fact, the soundtrack (also including songs such as Long Tall Sally and Yakety Yak) and dance moves mean this would make a great gift for anybody who loves their fifties music. Well, anybody who loves dancing and/or singing along to their fifties music, anyway.

Today, Critical Gamer got some hands on time with Dance Central, which is being developed by Harmonix and being published by MTV Games, who if you didn’t know is also responsible for that little thing called Rockband.

On hand were some very friendly booth attendees and dance crews showing off the game before we here at E3 got to use it. After a short wait, and demo, I got to the dance floor to give it a try. This also gave me, personally, a chance to try Microsoft’s Kinect hardware for the very first time.

Right away I jumped into the controls. Users can use either their left or right hand to move the mode selection up or down and, depending what arm you use, swipe across the screen to the left/right to select song, difficulty and mode.

There were six songs to choose from: Poker Face (Lady Gaga), Body Movin (Beastie Boys), Poison (Bel Biv Devoe), Funky Town (Lipps Inc), Galang ’05 (M.I.A.),and Hella Good (No Doubt). Critical Gamer opted for Funky Town, obviously.

First of two modes sampled was “Break It Down!” This is the tutorial for the game, or if you’re having troubles with a song, it’s a good place to practice your moves.

After that they let me go into the actual dance mode. I accidentally selected medium difficulty from the menu so I got to dance moves I wasn’t prepared for. Good thing I had the friendly dance crews backing me up making me look good. Or maybe I made them look great.

There are on screen avatars showing all the movement, as well as “flash cards” showing the next upcoming move to get you ready. The avatars had glowing body parts highlighting the current body part in play. Beside the flash cards is a small screen with a silhouette of you through Kinect. The movements through Kinect to the screen came with little to no lag which was fantastic to experience.

So far the game seems fantastic, and we had a great time with it. It works great with Kinect. Dance Central releases this fall with 30 dance tracks and is one of the 15 launch titles for Xbox’s Kinect hardware.

The first big news from this years E3 is in and most of it is to do with the hardware formerly known as Project Natal. The motion sensing control system for the Xbox 360 has been given the new moniker of Kinect, which seems to be the amalgamation of the words connect and kinetic into a brand new word!

Exciting stuff indeed, along with the re-naming Microsoft have taken the opportunity to announce a number of titles we can expect to be Kinecting with later this year, such as the imaginatively titled Kinect Sports, Kinect Adventure and Your Shape: Fitness Evolved. These early announced titles generally seem to be aimed at a casual or family market and may seem a Wii bit familiar to any Nintendo fans out there.

However an as yet untitled Star Wars game too was demoed, the more cynical amongst us might glance hawk-eyed at the above video and suggest that it looks a bit like a bloke miming along to a video of a game.

The exact details of Project Natal’s release remain unknown; but it has seemed certain for months now that it would launch in October or November 2010. A source close to Activision – who are supporting Natal from day one – has given Critical Gamer what they say is the official, but as yet unannounced, street date. So, what’s the date for your diaries?

November 16^th, according to our Mr/Mrs X. That’s a Tuesday; which is unusual here in the UK, where most new game – related releases officially hit the shelves on a Friday. Whenever a game is released here on a Tuesday it’s usually to coincide with a US or worldwide street date. So if this date is correct, it seems safe to assume that this is when Natal will be released across all markets.

If there’s any mix up at all, it would be that this is the date of Activision’s game (details of Natal launch games to follow soon) and not Natal itself. Impossible? Nope. We remember the surreal sight of Condemned on the shelves a week before it was possible to buy an Xbox 360 to play it on…

Nonetheless, our source was adamant that this is the street date issued to those in the industry on a ‘need to know’ basis for Natal. If we’re proven wrong at E3, then do please come back to this post and comment, telling us how foolish we look. If we’re right – and we’ll stick our collective neck out and say that we are right – then please come back and tell us how awesome we are.

PlayStation Move and Project Natal both have almost limitless potential. This is how some of us at Critical Gamer would like to squander it…

The random ramblings of a ravaged mind, which duly puts forward the following ideas in no particular order:

#1: Milo’s Soul. Works like Black Phantoms in Demon’s Souls. Invade the world of somebody playing the Milo demo and if they are doing something they shouldn’t with the virtual boy, use realistic swinging actions to club them to death with an on – screen nightstick and/or tyre iron.

#2 Natal Sports. It’s not the same, it’s just extremely similar.

#3: Generic Talent Show Simulator. Juggle, dance, sing. Interact however you want. The winner is not decided by any real display of talent or skill, rather the depth of the sob story the player invents for themselves. You dropped the balls three times during that mini-game, but your family was murdered by a rampaging gang of menopausal mimes so you’re still in with a shot.

#4: Interactive Gaming Platforms, Ready?! Cross-platform Iron Chef style events. Which console can simulate all the exciting cutting, chopping and dicing required for making dinner best? Note: preparing real dinner for family may suffer as a result.

#5: Move Sports. It’s not the same, it’s just extremely similar.

What are you touching Kate, and why?

#6: Air Guitar Hero. You’ll look like a fool, but then anyone who air guitars already did to begin with. Hmm. These were supposed to be silly suggestions…can see this one being real.

#7 Slap Yourself. Simply use the Natal camera or Move remote to slap an on – screen representation of yourself, never truly understanding the real reason why.

#8 Move The Furniture. A virtual living room is presented to the player and they are encouraged to swing the remote around as fast and as hard as possible to try and wreck the place. Bonus points are gained if an attached Eye sees that you’ve managed it in real life too.

#9 Seal Clubbing. Just to annoy PETA.

#10 CTS Clinic. The player takes on the role of a doctor treating an outbreak of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, completely oblivious to the impending irony. Ian

How about a game for Natal which involves standing still for long periods of time. If you move the camera would sense it, and it would be game over. It would be the gaming antidote to all the demos of Natal we have seen so far with people jumping around constantly as if they desperately need a wee, but have been told that the loos nearby are currently full.

The game could also be played sitting down or even lying down, thereby adding a variety of gameplay experiences. It could have a multiplayer mode too. Steven G

Steven's idea would still allow for horsing around. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP LETTING LUKE DO THE CAPTIONS?

Project Natal boasts unique not yet seen technology in its motion control, it’s kind of like the EyeToy but less crap. There are many applications for it we won’t have even dreamed of yet, but here’s a few ideas.

We’ve already seen a taste of Peter Molyneux’s forthcoming Paedophile sim Milo & Kate, but let’s face it; Natal could bring about a whole new era of pornographic games if Microsoft allowed it. Groping, stroking and dogging are just a few of the actions you could perform for the tiny motion cameras and be translated in – game.

As well as sex there are exciting new opportunities for violence. For instance you could get a friend to map their body into your system using the camera technology before showing them just how you feel about them by punching the crap out of their virtual likeness. The game would be called “I know we’re friends but actually you’re a bit of a dick.”

Another, Daily Mail approved, suggestion would be “Guantanamo Bay: Immigration Control” where you get to act out the whims of your facist government upon unsuspecting foreigners. It would play out like a reverse version of board-game classic Operation, removing body parts as you you attempt to reach a high score on the patented scream-o-meter.

Despite these myriad opportunities, we’ll probably just end up seeing something called Micro-Cat or Micro-Guinea Pig instead where you interact with a pretend pet and probably end up talking to it if you’re some kind of sad lunatic. Michael

I think Natal is clearly suited to bringing one of the BBC’s most gripping and hard hitting TV series even further into the living room. I think something that can accurately detect and put into a game the exact position of your limbs has clearly been designed from the beginning to let us all recreate Hole in the Wall in the comfort of our homes. Anthony

What about a “hardcore gamer’s diet” game where you just leave Natal switched on in the room and if it sees you putting your hands near your mouth, it would let out a high pitched noise on a frequency that would melt your brain, thus stopping you from eating? Or what about a “learn to swim with Microsoft” game where you lie on the carpet and make swimming gestures?It would in turn display you swimming on-screen. You could have yourself being chased by sharks to help beat personal best records. There would of course be a disclaimer saying that it can’t actually teach you to swim (except maybe in the Dead Sea).

Or you could have “Natal The Babysitter” where you put your baby in a lovely Xbox green on – screen baby cage, and if the baby moves, the TV would display nice colourful flames and play London Bridge is Falling Down until the baby retreats back into its cage.

One possible side effect of the Natal babysitter is your baby turning into a French stereotype. We're not sure why.

For the PS3 Move you could have “Plane Lander” where you hold two glow-stick-thingies and pretend to help planes land by waving your arms in the correct positions. Failure would result in you being told how many hundreds of deaths you are responsible for at the end of the level. Or going on Steven’s idea, what about a pee simulator for PlayStation Move? You could have the player jump up and down on the spot till they ran out of energy, then they would hold the “wand” at hip level whilst on-screen you would pee into a bucket that moves across the screen. Points would be awarded for accuracy, and bonus points for End of Level Finishing Waggle. R. Furie

Crochet Hero: A PlayStation Move exclusive (being apparently one million times more accurate than the Wii controls), both Move controllers will be used to mimic knitting needles. The player must replicate moves as they move down the screen, speed and difficulty varying according to skill level. Knit one, pearl two…

Star Power is activated by holding the ‘needles’ across the chest like Hugh Jackman does with his arms in Wolverine promotional shots. Knitting a sweater with a disfigured Father Christmas on it in less than two minutes will be this game’s equivalent of playing the guitar part of ‘Through The Fire And Flames’ on Expert. To be partially funded and promoted by Future Publishing, owners of hardcore knitting magazine Simply Knitting.

How To Look Good Naked: A Natal game sure to appeal to those who insist on displaying inappropriate body parts during games of Uno or Burnout Paradise. You show Natal your sorry excuse for a body, and the game gives you a rigorous fitness regime you must follow for no less than three weeks. Exercises must be carried out, naked, in front of Natal (while Gok ‘sucker’ Wan watches from Bll Gates’ secret underground nuclear bunker).

At the end of the exercise program, you again display your poorly looked after body to Natal. It probably laughs.

Drum Hero: Again, a game for Move. Pretty much what you’d expect; you air drum using the Move controllers as drumsticks. However, the PlayStation Eye is also required to play this game so that it can judge your level of excitement and satisfaction. Whenever Drum Hero decides that you’re getting a genuine sense of achievement from what you’re doing, it switches the PS3 off. This leaves you staring at your reflection on the TV screen mid – drum, wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life, and whether it isn’t perhaps time to go and find a girlfriend.

Stare Star: Can you outstare a cat?: Somebody would buy it. Luke

Motion control is coming full swing in 2010.

The new decade promises much for gaming. Both the Playstation 3 and the Xbox 360 are entering the latter half of their ten-year life cycle, and as the technology matures, so do expectations. More, now than ever, developers are pushing toward a sense of total immersion in video games. Cinematic techniques have steadily crept into the industry and become standard, while 3D technology is gearing up to make its console début.

Not to be overlooked among the buffet of emerging technologies is motion control. Sony has announced a Fall 2010 release for their Playstation Motion Controller (perhaps better known by its nickname, the “wand”), while Microsoft is planning a Holiday release of their motion-detection device, Project Natal.

But motion control is nothing new, right?

Wrong. At least, kind of. The motion control system originally released by Nintendo (the Wii Remote) is archaic in comparison to this year’s expected releases, most especially project Natal. Natal (which is a working title) is a new kind of motion-sensing technology, a technology which functions more like a complex brain than a point-and-click controller.

Here’s the rundown: Natal works by emitting infra-red light, which a black-and-white camera then detects on the user and the room. (Quick: What’s black-and-white and infra-red all over?) The amount of light reflected to the camera informs Natal of the user’s movements and position. Still, this would be a lot of useless data if the “brain” inside Project Natal hadn’t already “learned” terabytes of information.

According to an article in Popular Science, Microsoft has fed Natal literally millions of images of people in different positions. In each case, programmers have identified basic parts of human anatomy for the computer (head, hand, leg, etc.). Over time, the machine learns to differentiate the components for itself, becoming competent enough to scan an image of a user and identify their various body parts in less than a second.

In that second, Natal makes a rough sketch of your skeletal position, identifies the body parts and joints it knows, figures out the ones it doesn’t, and then renders it on screen. Phew. You can probably guess why scientists and engineers are referring to Natal as a mechanical “brain” rather than a remote-control device.

Natal scans, interprets, and loads information in less than a second.

The result? You play games by moving your body. Tech demonstrations have shown users controlling an avatar to deflect incoming projectiles. Users swat at incoming balls, and their character makes the same motion in real time.

Sony’s project looks to work similarly to Nintendo’s second motion control technology, the Wii MotionPlus, which attaches to the original Wii Remote. The Nintendo add-on allows for 1:1 tracking, meaning actions with the remote are repeated on screen with perfect accuracy. At least, that’s the idea. Nintendo’s device has met criticism since its release in 2009, most of which questions the accuracy of its 1:1 tracking.

For their part, Sony has assured the public that their Playstation Motion Control will have true 1:1 motion detection. The current build of the controller has a pink orb on its end, which works in conjunction with Sony’s Eye Toy Camera. The camera tracks the motion of the wand (or wands; one bow-and-arrow demonstration showed the user holding two controllers at once) and translates it on-screen, the orbs functioning similarly to the white spheres found on Hollywood mo-cap suits.

Of course, I could go on about this all day without addressing the elephant in the room. The question on everybody’s minds—including the people at Microsoft and Sony, I hope—is how to keep motion-sensing technology from disappointing.

If you’ve played the Wii, you probably know that as fun as motion control can be, it can also suck. A lot. True, some games have used motion-control to great benefit (I’m thinking of the recent Metroid Prime 3 in particular), but others have found it to be unnecessary, awkward, and frustrating.

Natal looks pretty, but will it waggle?

That’s right. I’m talking about the waggle effect.

“Waggle” describes what feels like a trite use of motion control. It can describe that frustrating movement you can’t quite complete correctly, or the otherwise unnecessary use of motion control in a given situation. In short, it describes everything that doesn’t work with the technology.

So what’s to keep Natal and the Playstation Motion Control from waggling their way into obscurity? Being careful. Being judicious. Developers should use motion control, but they should use it only to their benefit, and never as a rule. Ten years from now it can become a rule. Today, we still need to figure out what works and what waggles.

Consider context-sensitive controls, for instance. They’re a great tool for games when used properly, and as the years have gone by, we’ve seen more and more of them implemented in games. Thankfully, no one ever said “Oh my god, context-sensitive controls are awesome! Let’s make an entire game out of them!” Instead, they borrowed what worked. They stole the good ideas and scrapped the bad ones.

Granted, pressing buttons in a certain order is far removed from using your entire body as a controller, but it still serves a point. Most developers aren’t going to master motion control in a single go. It’s going to take experimentation, revision, and again, blatant theft of other people’s ideas. Developers shouldn’t feel forced to figure it all out at once.

That’s not to say that a talented company won’t try to nail it on their first go, or that they won’t succeed (again, just play Metroid). Still, for most everyone else, slow and steady wins the race. It’s better to make a product that uses some motion control to its advantage, rather than complete motion control to its detriment or ultimate failure.

The good news is, it sounds like some developers have the right idea. Aaron Greenberg, Director of Product Management for Xbox 360, said that the upcoming Halo title is the kind of game that should be played with a controller, not your body. Whether or not the game will incorporate some motion control is unclear, but at least we don’t have to worry about crouching every time we want to teabag a fallen foe.

Sony hopes to tickle hardcore gamers with its motion control device.

Sony, on the other hand, is looking to address another long-running complaint against motion control, which is that it caters to “family” games and excludes the hardcore gamer. Sony has assured its fans that it intends to use motion control for a wide variety of games, including hardcore first person shooters.

The 2010 Fall and Holiday seasons are still a long way off, and both companies have more work to do on their motion control systems before launch. Nintendo has broken into the bubble first and soaked up much of the buzz, but rather than feeling late to the scene, developers should use this to their advantage. Sure, people will be wowed when they wave their hand and their on-screen character does the same, but motion control isn’t going to blow anyone away completely any more, not unless it’s done properly. Scratch that. Unless it’s done perfectly. And, if it’s done perfectly, it can blow people away years after its release.

International Consumer Electronics Show, Las Vegas, NV

The usual trappings of Vegas – gambling, drinking and loose women – as well as the proximity to the Annual Porn convention made this trade show curious at best.

I know the back streets of the city well enough to know when it is more packed, and where idle chit-chat points out the nefarious sexual outings of more than one electronics head (pun intended).

The convention, prone to and known for back-room deals and lack of gaming news, the CES did manage to start a new gang brawl amongst this generation of consoles. A kind-of console war within a console war.

Expecting to find more with Microsoft and Sony was a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. “New” videogame “consoles” and games are on the way; but we already knew about them.

The yearly CES is more prone to industry types; us blue badged press just around to be pretty and alternative amongst the suits. The back-halls and office suites are full of such industry types. This is not a show primarily for the public, or even the press; it is about dealings with large sums of printed monies, or trying to attain them.

I found out more about gaming from my casual conversations with street folk and fellow gamers in many of the run down arcades about, than from the convention. The central tenet of the expo was 3D television ergo 3D gaming. However, almost everyone I spoke with found the idea either premature or ancient, and lost on the concept of always wearing glasses to enjoy projected material.

Perhaps the most important news came from Microsoft in the form of subterfuge, a new console? But didn’t we already know about the Project Natal? Microsoft has decided 5 years is enough to break the usual life-cycle of consoles and start totally fresh with sensational, more precise motion controls by camera capture. Natal will be treated as if it were a new, “stand alone” console, insisted Microsoft. Project Natal will be treated as if it were a new console, even though it would probably be something more between a peripheral and an add-on. With no admission software transfers will be a difficult process, Microsoft promised they would stay away from “gimmicky” software, such as that flooding the Wii market, and the product would be available by the Holidays.

Sony’s display was impressive simply in its enormity, with a sci-fi largeness. Sony remained the most game-oriented, featuring their own Heavy Rain and God of War III, while Capcom showcased Lost Planet 2 and Mega Man 10. While graphically impressive, especially in the case of Heavy Rain, the games faded into retro and slow-paced gameplay. I have no doubt the games will rise above this in the final analysis, they were too attractive not to.

Certainly only Sony broke the game-light nature of the show, with impressive showings of their PlayStation 3 Slim and PSPgo, along with a slew of appropriate accessories. While the PS3 wand was curiously missing, it was clear that a new generation of console wars is beginning; while time consciously side-lining the Wii. The Wii might have created the worldwide notion of motion control gaming, but now it is Sony and Microsoft’s time to battle it out for at least the next five years.

There is a new console war! A console war within a console war. And perhaps, just perhaps, that is even more exciting than the cocktail waitresses, slot machines and street walkers nearby.

Console wars always provide strange bed-fellows; how appropriate for a new affair to start in Sin City, now in name and movement.

MCV are reporting today the first information about the pricing and launch of Microsoft’s Project Natal. The pricing for the hardware will be much much lower than many had anticipated, coming in at around £50 when sold separately from the console. The idea being that it’s low enough that people will purchase on impulse.

As for the hardware launch, November 2010 is being touted as the month of release, with around 14 games expected to be released in conjunction with the new device. Many of the big name companies including EA, Activision, Ubisoft, Rare and Square Enix are already said to be working on games that utilise Natal, but we’ll still have to wait some time before we find out which games will be ready for launch.

Project Natal aims to get gamers holding conversations with their televisions (if Milo is anything to go by) and insists that “you are the controller”. But how on earth would an FPS with no control pad work? It seems that perhaps Rare are already giving this serious consideration.

The latest issue of trade weekly MCV carries a feature on first person games, and the history of their success. It is here that Rare’s head of studio Mark Betteridge is quoted as saying: “Right now our sights are trained on Natal, which is a great opportunity to break new ground with content and gameplay. It’s also an opportunity to exercise some genre evolution, so hopefully we’ll be able to develop something on that front.”
While no announcement of a game in production, it certainly tells us that Rare will be first in line for a Natal FPS, and that they’ve already been thinking about it…

Ah, the good old days.

It seems like everyone is obsessed with making me do more when I play games. Remember when there were only two buttons to contend with? Then they added shoulder buttons, but that was fine – I had fingers resting there anyway. What’s that? A second set of shoulder buttons? Well, sure, I guess. I had extra fingers doing nothing most of the time. Oh, more buttons? Two analogue sticks? A back button? A guide button? How many fingers do you think I have?! At least adding vibration feedback meant that my aching joints got a massage.

Exaggeration is the writer’s best friend, but you get the idea. I’m comfortable with a console controller, be it the slimline PS3 pad or the slightly bloated Xbox 360 one, but some people aren’t. If we skip back a generation before, there was nothing funnier for me than watching my sister wrestle with an original Xbox pad and always lose. Those things were just not meant for female hands.

Sticking with the last generation, the Gamecube controller layout always felt a little strange to me. It was like a PS2 pad suffering from bulimia that had shed more pounds than it should have. Not to mention looking like it had been coloured in by a child following a paint-by-numbers diagram that got bored half way through. It was still easy to use though, as long as your fingers could cope with that little shoulder button that was barely half the size of the trigger just below it.

Okay, who forgot to colour in L, Y and X?

Skip back to now (yes, we’re on a whirlwind tour through game controller history, so keep your hands inside the article at all times and don’t feed the gorilla) and we of course have the Wii. Arms are now thrown into the controlling mix. Do you have any idea how weak those are after a lifetime of not using them?

I’ve never felt comfortable with the Wii Remote and that’s especially true when the Wii Nunchuk connector is attached. It just feels strange to be waving my arm around while wiggling an analogue stick in mid-air I suppose, at least it does after the initial glee of pretending it’s a magic wand has worn off. Above all else it felt embarrassing to me. The kind of embarrassment you’d feel if a friend walked in on you singing into a hairbrush or watching This Morning.

But, wait! There’s more! Hands and arms isn’t enough! No, sir. Now your legs and feet need to do something too. Welcome to the Wii Balance Board. I’m actually quite a fan of the balance board. It’s a simple trick to add another dimension to playing games so I applaud that. Sure, it still makes you look like a fool as you try to mimic hula-hooping or snowboarding, but it’s still fun. I suppose any kind of interactive gaming has a hidden clause where you need to leave your dignity at the door.

Just to prove that I have no respect for the space-time continuum and chronologically listing things, let’s jump back a little before the Wii introduced methods of forcing me to use my body. You see, I forgot about guns and steering wheels. The arcade booths with the gun attachments in particular and they carried fairly well into home systems. In a way the light-gun games even as far back as the NES and Duck Hunt foreshadowed the problem that unenergized gamers like myself would have today. Half an hour of shooting ducks and trying very hard not to obliterate that smug dog left your arms feeling like dumbbells.

I persevered with it though. I forced my body to get in on my gaming action and still do to this day. Hands? Check. Arms? Check. Legs and feet? Check check. I’m starting to hurt a little, but what’s a little premature arthritis if I get to have fun? They can’t possibly do anything else to me now.

Unless they do away with controllers altogether. Yes, I’m talking about Project Natal. This has already been covered so I’m not going to repeat that information. Instead, I’m going to pitch two situations based on a world where Natal has been rolled out and everyone has one.

...But what if I don't want to be?

Scenario one: you’re a proud mother or father of a few kids. You don’t want your children sitting around vegetating all day, but you don’t want them going outside either. No, the outside world is far too scary what with terrorists and perverts and old people. Natal would offer a happy medium of active play and stimulation without facing all those dangers outside. It’s a good thing, I suppose. In the short term. Just don’t let them play the Natal version of RapeLay when it is inevitably created.

Scenario two: you’re between the ages of twenty and too-old-to-care (think around fifty). You could be in the same family situation as above, but the important change is that you’re well invested in a career. You work hard and so you want to play hard. You come home after a long day at work just itching to leap into your chair with chips and a drink on one side and a console pad on the other. But there’s no pad. You’re the pad. Get off your tired backside and start leaping around like a marionette with ADHD.

It’s that second scenario that sticks in my mind and it is the biggest flaw in this shift towards casual and more interactive gaming. If I want to unwind after work playing my newest game I don’t want to have to flail around and I can’t imagine for a second that I’m the only one who would think like that. Perhaps that’s the real plan: turn everyone into a casual gamer. Only play on weekends with friends when you can all have a laugh as each of you take turns prancing about hitting virtual balls against a virtual wall or grooming a computerized boy called Milo.

So, despite working hard on a day job I’ll soon be required to work when I want to have fun as well and that brings me to my key question. If I’m the controller…where do my batteries go?