Anatomy Of A Fanboy

We’re a very young and fresh faced site here at Critical Gamer, but we’ve already had our first fanboy flaming on N4G, courtesy of people who would probably defend their PlayStation 3 console more enthusiastically than their mothers. I was the author of that article (boo, hiss, etc.) and this inspired me to write a little something about fanboys in general.

I should point out immediately that I’m going to ridicule fanboys of all formats in this article, which should reduce – but sure as hell not eliminate – the chances of being accused of bias. I despise fanboyism in all its stroppy pouting forms. I pledge allegiance to no one format over the others; I pledge my allegiance to good video games. So here are my takes on the four main breeds of fanboy you will find cluttering up the internet:

The Sony Fanboy

 

This strange creature considers blu ray playback as relevant to the merits of his console as a games machine. His argument that a disc with a 50gb capacity means bigger and better games seems a good one – until you realise that multiformat games are the same on the 360 and PS3, except where the PS3 version has slightly inferior graphics. His arch nemesis is the Xbox 360 fanboy, who he refers to as an ‘Xbot’ in an amazingly unsuccessful attempt at humour. He laughs and jeers at the 360′s failure rate and paid – for online play, while pointedly ignoring the fact that his console of choice is nonetheless stuck in third place worldwide (fourth if you include handhelds).

As I have seen first-hand, he declares the PS3 Wand to be the greatest and most innovative invention since the wheel, basing his opinion on official press releases and media demonstrations.

He praises the PSP as the best handheld available, for ‘real’ gamers; while saying of course that the DS is a child’s toy with no good games available for it. He fails to explain why DS sales decimate PSP sales across the planet.

He is in desperate need of a girlfriend.

The Xbox 360 Fanboy

 

Always ready to throw venom the Sony fanboy’s way, the 360 fanboy’s main weapon is Xbox Live. He wrings his hands and harps on about how much more popular and flexible than PSN it is, without considering the fact that perhaps some people prefer simply being able to play online for free.

In terms of next gen movies, he’s been suspiciously quiet since the death of HD-DVD.

He claims superiority in terms of console exclusive games, usually mentioning Halo 3 and Gears of War to prove his point. He considers these to be untouchable examples of perfection, and would be shocked to find that many unbiased people don’t kiss the discs goodnight every evening.

The Red Ring Of Death is completely irrelevant of course, or so he says. So is the fact that Microsoft initially refused to even admit that there was a problem. So is the fact that every new model suffers from exactly the same issue.

Recently, he’s become convinced that Project Natal failing to revolutionise the games industry is only slightly less likely than Jesus riding down to earth on a bright pink hippo.

He is in desperate need of a girlfriend.

The Nintendo Fanboy

 

This lad has his rose tinted specs firmly welded onto the front of his face. He believes that we’re still living in the nineties, when Nintendo pumped out top quality titles on a regular basis – rather than in the next millennium, when Nintendo are reluctant to develop any game without the word ‘Wii’ in the title. He smugly gloats about how Nintendo’s latest console has outsold every other with ease – without stopping to see that these sales have been achieved by sacrificing the development of games for their core audience.

He giggles at how Sony and Microsoft are desperate to copy Nintendo’s motion control idea. For some reason, he doesn’t mention the fact that this is the only way several major developers will consider using such a control method. He certainly never talks about games magazines, as his are the ones with the most pretty pictures, that give away sweets and stickers on a regular basis.

Some of the very best multiformat games never find their way onto the Wii. Try telling him that, and he’ll stick his fingers in his ears and look the other way.

He is in desperate need of a girlfriend.

The PC Fanboy

 

Perhaps the geekiest geek of all, the PC fanboy’s very first snarl in a ‘my format could beat up your format’ argument is something about being able to upgrade the various bits and pieces of his machine. He forgets to mention the regularity such upgrading is necessary, and compatibility issues with certain programs and operating systems. Any console game will work on the relevant console. Any PC game will work in any PC – so long as the machine and/or game isn’t too recent. Or too old. Or if a virus checker interferes with the software. Or if the latest patch hasn’t been downloaded. Or if the PC hasn’t treated the owner to the Blue Screen Of Death.

Another favourite war cry is that consoles are ‘just toys’. This rather bizarrely presumes that console owners are frustrated that they can’t create spreadsheets on their TVs – and completely ignores the fact that most of them will have PCs or laptops as well anyway.

The PC fanboy will practically orgasm whilst saying the keyboard and mouse combo is the best control system for games ever. It is – for RTS games. Many people actually prefer a joypad for FPS games, and it’s hard to imagine enjoying Mario by tapping a keyboard.

He is in desperate need of a girlfriend.

I’m Your Biggest Fanboy

 

You will no doubt have noticed, you clever people, that I’m presuming all fanboys to be straight, single males. You only need to spend a few minutes examining the names, avatars, and comments of so called ‘flamers’ to realise that at least 99% of them are male. Women have better things to do with their time. I’m hoping rather than presuming that they’re all single, as the misogynistic and/or hopelessly naïve attitudes they tend to show toward women would not allow a relationship to carry on for more than a few hours. I’m sure they are almost exclusively heterosexual, and just as sure that they are extremely insecure in their sexuality – which is why they throw the word ‘gay’ around as an insult at every opportunity.

No, I’m not gay, but that won’t stop fanboys saying otherwise.

Hilariously, one of the worst insults one fanboy can think of for another is…fanboy. They’re not a fanboy, because their format of choice deserves an unhealthily religious devotion. It’s completely different.

On a darker note, the insults left lying around on forums like dog turds include homophobia as I have already mentioned – and racism. This just goes to show what kind of immature, intolerant mind is required for such frightening levels of devotion to a piece of electronics, and/or to the business that designed it. Reading such hateful bile can make you ashamed to be a gamer. We should be grateful that only other fanboys, and people unfortunate enough to stumble across it while looking for something about games worth reading, will ever see it.