You’re the (Xbox) One that I want

 photo Xbox-One-Console_zps52dd4a8c.jpg

So Microsoft’s new console has finally been revealed, and it’s called the Xbox One. I know, right? What an awesome name! Maybe people will start calling it ‘the One’ for short; I know I will! Hang on – ‘the one’ sounds like it’s the only machine worth having, that it’s the second coming of technology. I bet that never even occurred to Microsoft but boy, will they be happy when they realise once everybody starts calling it that! Still, if you look hard, after a few hours you’ll eventually find a few people on the internet moaning that they’re not excited about the Xbox One. This is for them (a pretty small audience, as we all know!).

First of all, as everybody was hoping, the new Kinect is now a permanent Xbox feature. Cool! Even better, you won’t need to worry about accidentally turning it off, as the camera and microphone will be working every second the One has power (and maybe for a little while after it’s switched off, who knows?). I’ve never been able to use Kinect really, as I only have four feet between my TV and my sofa. This new Kinect is so much better though – which we know because Microsoft told us so – that I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Hooray!

If you gave the futuristic Kinect tech to a company that didn’t care so much about gamers, they’d probably use a camera like this to secretly collect sound, pictures and video. Then this would all be used to develop new advertising, and even sold to other companies to see how people are reacting to their adverts and films and games and stuff. Anyway, I’m wasting time talking about stuff like this. This is Microsoft we’re talking about! The jolly green giant!

One of the biggest problems the haters have with the One is the way it’s going to lock every game disc to one Xbox Live account. So what? You can still sign in to your friend’s One (everybody will want one!) and play your games at their house. As Phil Harrison told Eurogamer, it’s exactly the same as things work now with discs. Tom Bramwell didn’t question this, and why would he? It’s true! The same. Exactly the same.

My perfect entertainment device, which puts ME at the centre of the experience.

Because Microsoft love us all so much, they’re even backing up this awesome idea with the ability to buy and sell secondhand games. They didn’t have to do that, you know! All you have to do is pay a little money, and bam – you can play a disc that’s already been played before. What an idea! Okay, you’re probably going to have to pay a shop for the disc and then Microsoft for the right to play it, but so what? Games for the One will be so awesomely awesome, it’ll be totally worth it.

Besides, think about it! Paying Microsoft a fee to be able to play a game somebody else has already bought is a brilliant idea. We ought to be grateful for this gift Microsoft is giving the world. It’s only right that they make as much money as possible from it. I think – I hope – that when you trade in a disc, you’ll lose the ability to play that game on your account. Don’t you realise what this means? If you want to play the game again in the future, maybe because your friends are playing the multiplayer or there’s interesting DLC or something, you’ll have to pay for the right to play it again. Genius! Even more money for Microsoft to keep the One being awesomely awesome.

Some people aren’t happy that the One isn’t backwards compatible, not even for digital games. So what? Haven’t you been paying attention? They don’t want you to buy this awesome new machine that requires you to pay for playing secondhand games, then have everybody playing old secondhand games on it for free. Are you stupid or something? And just to double check that you’re playing fair, it sounds like the One will need you to connect to the internet at least once every 24 hours. Man, there are some clever dudes at Microsoft! Now I think we can all understand this ‘internet connection required but not needed all the time’ thing. Now who looks stupid?

Amazingly, some people are even unhappy that indie developers won’t be able to self-publish One games. Come on – we all know that all these crappy games with crappy budgets and crappy small teams are crappy and crap. Apart from the ones where they hook up with a publisher that knows what they’re doing, of course – and these are the only indie games we’ll see! May I be the first to say, thank you Microsoft!

40 improvements!!! I’m pretty sure this is the new one.

A few idiots complained about the time spent at the One reveal talking about movies and TV. What’s the matter with these people? Don’t they like movies and TV? It was important for us to know all about this, because it shows just how flexitile (flexible and versatile, I made that word myself!) the One is. It’s even going to have a blu ray drive. A games console with Netflix, and a blu ray drive, and FIFA, and Call of Duty, and internet, and video streaming. I want one!

Speaking of which, sure, there weren’t a lot of games at the show. We’ve already been told that E3 will have all the awesomest games though, so just be patient! Anyway, a new Call of Duty (with a dog!!! lol) and a new FIFA – what more do you want? Sheesh. Okay, so these games are going to be on the crappy PS4 as well (and the crappy PS3) but you know what? I’ll be buying the One versions. I’ll be buying every multiformat title for the One. Why? The controller, of course! It’s got 40 improvements over the 360 joypad!!! I bet the PS4 controller has just got something crappy like 26 improvements or something.

The more I hear about the One, the more I love it. Like millions of people around the world (probably), I’ve already pre-ordered. When I finally have my new Xbox, I’m going to call both of my friends and boast about it. Oh yeah, the One has a phone app called Skype! I think that’s an exclusive.

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Written by Luke K

Luke plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He's the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value. Chances are, if you pick up a copy of the latest Official PlayStation Magazine or GamesMaster, you'll find something he's written in there. Luke doesn't have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

5 comments

  1. Erik Hall /

    You sound like an Xbot troll,why in the world would you dog the PS3 & PS4 in an article about Xbox…. o right you must be a fan boy.

  2. Blankolf /

    Can’t you see his love for Xbox @Eric Hall, I think is being over enthusiastic about it, he sounds like a bit of an Xbox Fanboy to me since all this doesn’t sound so enthusiastic, but with the constant DRM and used game fee and also 5GB of ram of the 8 for gaming, he got me excited for the console! Oh boy! *-* Can’t wait to play dog on cod and watch nfl Xbox go home! lolz swag bye

  3. KrazyFace /

    Man, that was fun. Hey, you know what’s also the mostest superist-awesomest thing about the new Box? Yep, you get a massive 500GB HDD that’s cleverly shaped to fit the Box perfectly! I know that means we can’t change our HDD, but why would you want to when Micropenis keeps all your info nice and safe in its lovely, fluffy cloud technology land!?

    I hear there’s digital fairies up there too…

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