An armchair view of E3 2013: EA

EA Conference: June 10th 9:00pm GMT

 EA logo

EA! What could you do here not to annoy anyone else?

  • I hope they talk about how successful SimCity was.

  • The show opens with a rather loud trailer of a bunch of title names to terrible music and a giant EA logo.

  • I keep forgetting Peter Moore is their CEO and every year I hate him more. He’s on stage, either way.

  • No tie but only one microphone so you break even so far, Peter. Mentions both PS4 and Xbox One.

  • They kick off with a series that has millions of fans apparently.

  • It’s a Plants VS Zombies 2 trailer that opened as a parody to Battlefield. It’s gone full fancy 3D and a lot of the charm is immediately lost. It also doesn’t seem conventionally defence based, but that may just be the trailer.

  • Someone wearing a zombie head takes to the stage. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if it wasn’t a mask? It’s a ‘3rd person action title’. The stuff showing on the screens behind him does look like it actually plays the same just with a bit more 3D graphics.

  • After a joke that falls flat someone else comes on stage to talk about it and an on stage demo begins.

  • Wait, now it is fully 3D and not as charming. Clearly not made with mobile devices in mind like the first one was. Multiple people playing plants as classes like some kind of horde deathmatch.

  • As a dancing disco zombie boss appears I question whether we’ve gone too far with zombies as a concept.

  • The guy leaves after shouting that Peggle 2 is coming.

  • Now it’s time for more Titanfall (apparently that’s how you write it) and I’m interested in whether this will confirm PC as a release platform as well as Xbox One.

  • Available Spring 2014, Xbox One, PC, Xbox 360 – fantastic.

  • A video trailer different to the one from the MS conference plays showing interviews with the team making the game.

  • There was a weird visual glitch on the trailer and now while it plays I’m hearing audio from backstage I think, or from the crowd watching. Yup there’s definetely more audio playing now and then pretty sure it’s the on stage guys whispering to one another as the trailer plays.

  • Game still looks good though, a nice take on the stereotypical run and gun multiplayer game.

  • Frank Gibeau, president of EA Labels apparently, comes on stage to talk about the new systems and why EA is brilliant. Specifically two engines, but only Frostbite3 matters since the other one is sport based.

  • A Dice trailer playing next with lots of snow and still audio of someone clearing their throat now and then. Oh, it’s Star Wars.

  • Star Wars Battlefront, though very little was shown other than a ship crashing.

  • A car game is next. That is all.

  • It’s a new Need for Speed. I use the term new loosely. They specifically point out that the game can be played offline but that online is so much better.

  • Wow I zoned out for about five minutes and it’s still this car game.

  • I zoned out again – is this a movie star or something? Why is a car on the stage? Why did he say like two things then walk off stage? Is this another trailer for the same game?!

  • Wait – that was a movie trailer? Come on!

  • Someone on stage now from Bioware (who knows which Bioware since there’s like ten of them now) to talk about Dragon Age Inquisition. It’s out Fall 2014.

  • A trailer plays, I suspect this will be all CG.

  • Characters from previous Dragon Age games shown along with lots of CG fighting in a war between those who support magic and those who don’t, I assume. Morrigan was narrating it.

  • EA Sports – it’s in the game, later, once you download the DLC.

  • Andrew Wilson is talking about sports. Along with cars something which offers no interest to me.

  • A trailer talking about dribbling plays. I could be more specific for those who didn’t see it live but I think it’s more entertaining not to. Plus then you don’t have to hear about the awful man rapping about basketball on stage. If this is a famous player I wouldn’t know.

  • Also yup it’s definitely backstage talking the microphones are picking up because I heard the runner prep the next guy on stage just before he went on. Good work, sound guy.

  • A bored sounding basketball player is on stage talking about a boring game in a pre-scripted conversation about how people want real dribbling. He literally just said “Redefining the dribble.”

  • NBA Live is back. Yay?

  • Now a Madden game for Xbox One and PS4. They seem to confuse what a player is capable of (or rather, how they can influence reacting on the fly) with how an AI would react under pre-programmed circumstances. This is pure nonsense if you stop to think about it for a second.

  • Here’s what everyone has been asking for, a trailer of the new Madden!” Where are these people and how many are not directly employed by you?

  • A tiny collection of applause end this part.

  • Now football!!! This is why I hate the EA conference every year. It honestly is so boring if you aren’t into sports.

  • Someone called Drake on stage. Or is the game called Drake? His name came up on screen simply as ‘Drake’ so I guess he’s like Cher. Must be famous, or something. Talking about FIFA. Is that a golden owl necklace he’s wearing?

  • If you’re still here at this stage – they are still talking about football. Check back in five.

  • A microphone falls onto the stage. Someone called Bruce Buffer shouts into it. Is this going to be UFC now or something? Yes, yes it is. The president of UFC is a man named Dana? H-oh wait he’s actually quite large, never mind.

  • Awkward pause for begrudgingly given applause.

  • This is a sale’s pitch on why fighting is good and everyone should allow UFC to be broadcast into their country. Games to follow. Next Spring.

  • I will say that I’m glad they aren’t pushing Origin every single second like the last couple of years, but that’s the only plus point so far.

  • Battlefield 4 is next and it sure is a game, I think. Two men game on stage and said thanks even though no one clapped or welcomed them. They are talking about how important it is to be CONNECTED and other such words. Subtle.

  • 64 players confirmed and air, land, sea combat.

  • A commander mode is being added, similar to how the commander role in Natural Selection works. By similar I mean identical beyond that it can be used on tablet devices which is kind of nifty.

  • An on stage demo begins with a full group of 64 people visible playing it live. There will be a live stream of the game from their both over the next couple of days.

  • Some fake team talk later the playing begins. As usual it looks pretty but generic.

  • He said it was a five man mission so I’m a little confused whether this is human enemies or not. If it is then they are acting in a pre-planned manner because if this were a real online deathmatch someone would have been run over by a team mate in a tank by now.

  • Boat combat! Speedboat combat! I rate these up there with mo-cap dogs, honestly.

  • The demo ends with a building collapsing and a female soldier asking to be backed up. First woman of the event in a gun game, right?

  • He ends saying people have always asked for one thing and Dice is going to deliver. This is Mirror’s Edge 2.

  • Coming when it’s ready, apparently.

  • Moore is back on to ruin the mood by talking about it. Sounds like he might be wrapping this up – is it already over?

  • Wow, that really was it. 80% sports 19% Battlefield 4, 1% interesting.

Sports. Too much sports. Same as last year.

 

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Written by Ian D

Misanthropic git. Dislikes: Most things. Likes: Obscure references.

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