The Bible: The Official Videogame (Old Testament)

There have been countless Bible – inspired Christian ’em ups over the last few decades. The problem is that they’re either misedutainment titles, or unlicensed; and therefore buggy, boring, and technically inept. Christianity is on the decline worldwide; I asked a priest why, and he said ‘Buggered if I know’. Not sure which one of us he was referring to at the beginning of that sentence.

Anyway, I want to help! I have here outlined the first part of my plans for the perfect videogame adaptation of the Bible. Catholic, Quaker, Protestant, Baptist; any denomination is welcome to approach me for the rights to The Bible: The Official Videogame. Be quick though, as it’s first come first served. Okay, here we go:

In the beginning, darkness was upon the face of the deep. And so the Lord God Spake unto the void, ‘Blimey, it’s dark in here. Let there be light’. And lo, a 40W desk lamp did come into being and show Him the way.

The game begins very much like LittleBigPlanet with the player, as God, creating… well, everything. Tutorials are narrated by the disembodied voice of Stephen Fry. Connect a headset or microphone, and earn bonus points by commenting on the irony of a gay atheist telling God what to do. Fry helps God along His way by issuing ten commandments of his own:

“Thou shalt make the corners and edges first.”

“Thou shalt not shape continents after the image of thy penis.”

“Thou shalt create dinosaurs, so that creationists may be antagonised.”

“Thou shalt award thy son one continue.”

“Thou shalt give England crappy weather as punishment for cricket.”

“Thou shalt make grass green, so that people know where the sky stops.”

“Thou shalt not fix the infinitely spawning loaves and fishes glitch.”

“Thou shalt allow men and women to have Plug & Play functionality.”

“Thou shalt allow homosexuals to improvise.”

“Thou shalt not release a patch later.”

Squint, and you can see there's historical proof.

And the Lord God looked upon what He had created, and spake ‘Yeah, that’ll do’. Then he did make a wondrous garden, and he did call this land of plenty Eden. He made a creature after his image to live there, and this creature was Man. He did copy and paste this creature and lo, he pushed the dangly bit inside and verily, he rolled up two leftover bits and stuck one on the front and one on the back; then He decided this looked silly and stuck them side by side on the chest; and this creature he did call Woman. He created a wondrous device called Television, and a device more wondrous still called The Remote Control; but woe upon the land of Eden, for this caused many bitter arguments. So it came to pass that Television was banned for thousands of years, and the Man who was Adam and the Woman who was Eve had naught but the spectator sport of star jumps to pass the time.

This section of the game plays in a similar vein to Viva Piñata; keep your humans well fed and happy. Watch out for Solid Snake, who creeps around Eden with a banana plucked from the Tree of Life. Should Adam spot the sneaky satanic agent a giant red exclamation mark appears above his head, which you can use to batter Snake unconscious. After 100 levels however Snake sneaks past no matter what you do, and Adam and Eve both take a bite from the Banana of Knowledge.

And so it came to pass that the Man Adam and the Woman Eve had Knowledge, and saw that they were naked. The Lord God spake ‘I know what you’re thinking, you dirty tinkers. Get out of my garden’.

Yea verily, much time passed. The Lord God looked upon what he had created, and spake unto Noah ‘Take your family, and two of each animal. Make you two arks, for I shall bring a great flood upon the world to extinguish all life from the earth’. And Noah did say ‘Um, two arks, my lord?’. And the Lord God spake unto Noah ‘Verily, two arks. One for you, your wife and the animals, and another to fill with poo. There will be an abundance of poo, my son’. Said Noah to the Lord, ‘Lord, if you wish to extinguish all life, should it truly be a flood? For will not the fish, and the birds which feed upon the fish, survive such a judgement upon the earth?’. And the Lord God spake ‘Just build the fucking arks’.

The first part of this section will be a Diner Dash clone where the player, as Noah, undergoes stressful resource management to keep all of the animals fed (and poo thrown to Ark II). The second part will concentrate on the rare moments of respite Noah enjoys, where he rides a dolphin around the flooded lands. Think Wave Race, but with no other racers.

The proud and arrogant people of Babylon built a great tower, so that they might reach heaven and win audience with the Lord. The Lord God looked upon the tower and was not pleased, for the plebs would surely lower the house prices. So He did decide to smite the tower and those who built it, and lay waste to the city of Babylon. For He was God, and could do whatever He bloody well wanted.

Being God is FUN!

Two games in one here. Play as God, it’s the Blast Corps sequel that never was; play as the Babylonians, it’s a tower defence game.

Next to suffer the wrath of God was to be Sodom and Gomorrah, for the Lord God was still bitter at being ordered around by Stephen Fry. Abraham did say ‘Lord, though you are as wise as you are powerful, would you truly destroy the righteous with the wicked?’. And the Lord God spake unto Abraham ‘Um… maybe’. So Abraham did say ‘Were there fifty innocent souls in Sodom, would they too die in the fires of your wrath?’ to which God replied ‘I would spare Sodom and Gomorrah for fifty righteous’. ‘If the cities were just five short, and forty five righteous were there to be found?’. ‘For forty five I would stay my wrath’ spake the Lord. ‘Forty?’ said Abraham. ‘Look, I’m not bloody haggling’ spake the Lord God.

I’m not making this up, by the way. Well, not entirely. Genesis 18:23 – 18:32.

‘Thirty? Twenty? Ten?’ asked Abraham. ‘Yes, yes, yes. That’s enough, sod off before I give you leprosy.’ spake the Lord God.

Another Blast Corps – style section here. More headset/microphone bonus points to be won, again for commenting on irony. Had Abraham haggled God down just a little more, Sodom and Gomorrah would have been saved, for there were six innocents; three men and three women. The head of the family was called Lot, but six was not a ‘lot’ of righteous in God’s eyes. Ha! Haha! I made a joke.

Perhaps just five righteous; Lot’s wife was turned into a pile of salt as punishment for rubbernecking.

Wearing nothing but a flower in her hair. Phwoar, eh lads?

Cutscene: The Lord God spake unto Abraham ‘Take your son, your only son whom you love so much and is called Isaac, to the top of the mountain, and there kill him for my amusement’. And Abraham did say ‘Of course Lord, that seems perfectly reasonable. You truly are a wise and just god, whom only damned infidels would dare to question’. And so Abraham took his only son Isaac to the top of the mountain, and Isaac did say ‘Please daddy, I love you, please don’t, daddy, I love you daddy, daddy no, please, please daddy, why, why, why daddy, I still love you even though you do this thing I wish you were not doing daddy’. And Abraham did reach the appointed place, and he did lift his arm to the sky with a freshly sharpened blade in his hand, and the Lord God spake ‘I was only joking’ and everybody laughed.

The Sims is one of the most popular, most profitable franchises videogaming has ever seen – so of course, I shall be ripping it off for this game.

The Lord God saw that the man Job was one of the most righteous and devoted people on His earth, and so chose to make his life a misery. ‘He’s got three thousand camels. What the heck does one man need three thousand camels for?’ spake the Lord (Job 1:3). ‘I shall teach him the error of his camel fancying ways’. And so it came to pass that the Lord God killed Job’s children and lo, Job was unhappy (but now rich). ‘Why, Lord, why?’ spake Job unto himself. ‘Think of the camels’ thought the Lord God. Satan saw what had come to pass, and spake unto the Lord ‘He still sings your praises, but should you do more to him he would surely curse you’ to which the Lord God replied ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet Lucy’. And so Job’s life became a whirlpool of pain, misery and torment; though in the end he was given some new children and not three, but six thousand camels (Job 42:12). So that’s okay then.

This final Sims-style section will also contain elements of Eyepet; if you want a break from torturing Job by laying waste to his health, family and possessions, you can dress him up in a variety of cute jumpers and amusing hats. Job will resonate with the hardcore gaming audience, as he was surely the first blind faith fanboy.

Right, that’s the Old Testament done. Didn’t miss anything, did I? Oh, in case you were wondering where Moses and the trials of the Jews are, those levels will be included in the Jerusalem map pack to be released in the next financial quarter.

Anything in particular from the New Testament you’d like to see in part two? Let me know…

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Written by Luke K

He plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He’s the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value.

He doesn’t have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

8 comments

  1. KrazyFace /

    AHAHAHAHAHAA! I really liked those commandments…

    That was the funniest thing I’ve read all year, which is saying a lot coz we’re nearly at the end!

    This game, I would play!

  2. steven g /

    Surely the DLC would be Kings, Prophets and pslams? When Yossi sent the spies into Jericho could be played as a splinter cell clone, with all the main battles playing out as an Total War style RTS.

    The sections, which are rather large, just covering laws and the rights and wrongs of things (around 613 altogether) could play out in a phoenix wright style with scenarios to test your ability to live by them 613……

    think of the number of possible trophies or achievements!

  3. Christianity is on the decline worldwide I assure you, there’s more people being born again than born at this moment in time. Oh and don’t worry about the lack of quality biblically based games, a God ordained media revival is on it’s way and that includes videogames, mark my words 🙂

    • Luke K /

      More people being born again than being born? I think not. There aren’t that many people in the world guilty for having enjoyed themselves.

      Thank God.

  4. “Not on the decline” I meant to say, doh!!

  5. Well as Jesus said in the bible in the gospel of John “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God”
    It has nothing to do with God wanting to take away your enjoyment, but everything to do with filling you with “joy indescribable” and where you will spend eternity. Look up Bill wiese’ testimony if you want more clarification in this matter.

    • Luke K /

      I’m quite sure this argument could go on forever, so I shan’t reply again. I know there’s absolutely nothing I could do or say to change your opinion on matters like this, so I’ll wave you a cheery goodbye and wish you a happy life.

    • steven /

      Im guessing he said it in hebrew or greek though.

      Being an Judean he might have been describing how it felt to eat a good schwarma – i.e. its like being born again.

      Does the gospel clarify this?

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