Natal & Move should launch with…

PlayStation Move and Project Natal both have almost limitless potential. This is how some of us at Critical Gamer would like to squander it…

The random ramblings of a ravaged mind, which duly puts forward the following ideas in no particular order:

#1: Milo’s Soul. Works like Black Phantoms in Demon’s Souls. Invade the world of somebody playing the Milo demo and if they are doing something they shouldn’t with the virtual boy, use realistic swinging actions to club them to death with an on – screen nightstick and/or tyre iron.

#2 Natal Sports. It’s not the same, it’s just extremely similar.

#3: Generic Talent Show Simulator. Juggle, dance, sing. Interact however you want. The winner is not decided by any real display of talent or skill, rather the depth of the sob story the player invents for themselves. You dropped the balls three times during that mini-game, but your family was murdered by a rampaging gang of menopausal mimes so you’re still in with a shot.

#4: Interactive Gaming Platforms, Ready?! Cross-platform Iron Chef style events. Which console can simulate all the exciting cutting, chopping and dicing required for making dinner best? Note: preparing real dinner for family may suffer as a result.

#5: Move Sports. It’s not the same, it’s just extremely similar.

What are you touching Kate, and why?

#6: Air Guitar Hero. You’ll look like a fool, but then anyone who air guitars already did to begin with. Hmm. These were supposed to be silly suggestions…can see this one being real.

#7 Slap Yourself. Simply use the Natal camera or Move remote to slap an on – screen representation of yourself, never truly understanding the real reason why.

#8 Move The Furniture. A virtual living room is presented to the player and they are encouraged to swing the remote around as fast and as hard as possible to try and wreck the place. Bonus points are gained if an attached Eye sees that you’ve managed it in real life too.

#9 Seal Clubbing. Just to annoy PETA.

#10 CTS Clinic. The player takes on the role of a doctor treating an outbreak of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, completely oblivious to the impending irony. Ian

How about a game for Natal which involves standing still for long periods of time. If you move the camera would sense it, and it would be game over. It would be the gaming antidote to all the demos of Natal we have seen so far with people jumping around constantly as if they desperately need a wee, but have been told that the loos nearby are currently full.

The game could also be played sitting down or even lying down, thereby adding a variety of gameplay experiences. It could have a multiplayer mode too. Steven G

Steven's idea would still allow for horsing around. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP LETTING LUKE DO THE CAPTIONS?

Project Natal boasts unique not yet seen technology in its motion control, it’s kind of like the EyeToy but less crap. There are many applications for it we won’t have even dreamed of yet, but here’s a few ideas.

We’ve already seen a taste of Peter Molyneux’s forthcoming Paedophile sim Milo & Kate, but let’s face it; Natal could bring about a whole new era of pornographic games if Microsoft allowed it. Groping, stroking and dogging are just a few of the actions you could perform for the tiny motion cameras and be translated in – game.

As well as sex there are exciting new opportunities for violence. For instance you could get a friend to map their body into your system using the camera technology before showing them just how you feel about them by punching the crap out of their virtual likeness. The game would be called “I know we’re friends but actually you’re a bit of a dick.”

Another, Daily Mail approved, suggestion would be “Guantanamo Bay: Immigration Control” where you get to act out the whims of your facist government upon unsuspecting foreigners. It would play out like a reverse version of board-game classic Operation, removing body parts as you you attempt to reach a high score on the patented scream-o-meter.

Despite these myriad opportunities, we’ll probably just end up seeing something called Micro-Cat or Micro-Guinea Pig instead where you interact with a pretend pet and probably end up talking to it if you’re some kind of sad lunatic. Michael

I think Natal is clearly suited to bringing one of the BBC’s most gripping and hard hitting TV series even further into the living room. I think something that can accurately detect and put into a game the exact position of your limbs has clearly been designed from the beginning to let us all recreate Hole in the Wall in the comfort of our homes. Anthony

What about a “hardcore gamer’s diet” game where you just leave Natal switched on in the room and if it sees you putting your hands near your mouth, it would let out a high pitched noise on a frequency that would melt your brain, thus stopping you from eating? Or what about a “learn to swim with Microsoft” game where you lie on the carpet and make swimming gestures?It would in turn display you swimming on-screen. You could have yourself being chased by sharks to help beat personal best records. There would of course be a disclaimer saying that it can’t actually teach you to swim (except maybe in the Dead Sea).

Or you could have “Natal The Babysitter” where you put your baby in a lovely Xbox green on – screen baby cage, and if the baby moves, the TV would display nice colourful flames and play London Bridge is Falling Down until the baby retreats back into its cage.

One possible side effect of the Natal babysitter is your baby turning into a French stereotype. We're not sure why.

For the PS3 Move you could have “Plane Lander” where you hold two glow-stick-thingies and pretend to help planes land by waving your arms in the correct positions. Failure would result in you being told how many hundreds of deaths you are responsible for at the end of the level. Or going on Steven’s idea, what about a pee simulator for PlayStation Move? You could have the player jump up and down on the spot till they ran out of energy, then they would hold the “wand” at hip level whilst on-screen you would pee into a bucket that moves across the screen. Points would be awarded for accuracy, and bonus points for End of Level Finishing Waggle. R. Furie

Crochet Hero: A PlayStation Move exclusive (being apparently one million times more accurate than the Wii controls), both Move controllers will be used to mimic knitting needles. The player must replicate moves as they move down the screen, speed and difficulty varying according to skill level. Knit one, pearl two…

Star Power is activated by holding the ‘needles’ across the chest like Hugh Jackman does with his arms in Wolverine promotional shots. Knitting a sweater with a disfigured Father Christmas on it in less than two minutes will be this game’s equivalent of playing the guitar part of ‘Through The Fire And Flames’ on Expert. To be partially funded and promoted by Future Publishing, owners of hardcore knitting magazine Simply Knitting.

How To Look Good Naked: A Natal game sure to appeal to those who insist on displaying inappropriate body parts during games of Uno or Burnout Paradise. You show Natal your sorry excuse for a body, and the game gives you a rigorous fitness regime you must follow for no less than three weeks. Exercises must be carried out, naked, in front of Natal (while Gok ‘sucker’ Wan watches from Bll Gates’ secret underground nuclear bunker).

At the end of the exercise program, you again display your poorly looked after body to Natal. It probably laughs.

Drum Hero: Again, a game for Move. Pretty much what you’d expect; you air drum using the Move controllers as drumsticks. However, the PlayStation Eye is also required to play this game so that it can judge your level of excitement and satisfaction. Whenever Drum Hero decides that you’re getting a genuine sense of achievement from what you’re doing, it switches the PS3 off. This leaves you staring at your reflection on the TV screen mid – drum, wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life, and whether it isn’t perhaps time to go and find a girlfriend.

Stare Star: Can you outstare a cat?: Somebody would buy it. Luke

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Written by Luke K

Luke plays lots of videogames, now and again stopping to write about them. He's the editor in chief at Critical Gamer, which fools him into thinking his life has some kind of value. Chances are, if you pick up a copy of the latest Official PlayStation Magazine or GamesMaster, you'll find something he's written in there. Luke doesn't have a short temper. If you suggest otherwise, he will punch you in the face.

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